I have a problem of holding things in and feeling no feelings so that when little things go wrong it makes me have breakdowns.
Like yesterday, I had a breakdown in the supermarket parking lot because I couldn’t find the type of bread I wanted anywhere in town. Other times, and most of the time it will be things like not being able to get my food the way I want it at fast food restaurants. Or my food coming out wrong.
It’s always when some little things happen all in a row and finally I just can’t handle it anymore. It causes pain and crying and not being able to function or be okay for a long time.
There is a little bit of something good that comes from this, it always makes me cry myself to sleep and I get one good night of sleep in my bundle of really bad ones.
It’s hard living with chronic pain at all but to live with pain and mental illness can make the day to day really rough and almost impossible. From the time I wake up until going to sleep I’m in incredible pain. My head, and back and feet, it’s all a lot swirling in my body.
But then when you add in anxiety, BPD, depression and PTSD it makes for a lot of emotions all at once. The pain makes the mental illness worse and then the mental illness makes the pain worse.
I know if I could have a day without one or the other then the others would feel better too. It’s a seemingly unbreakable cycle.
The biggest problem is that everything happening all at once is overwhelming and tiresome. There’s no way to to stop it, but then you’re so tired you can’t sleep.
How to stop it.
Today I was at work talking to a coworker about possibly asking a guy out. We were talking and he was like “If you’re going to ask him out or talk to him you have to stop being so awkward”
This is triggering for a couple reasons. First is that if I was to go out with any guy they would have to be okay with my awkwardness and who I really am. I think if the foundation of anything is started on pretending then that’s not healthy.
Secondly and more importantly, when I explained to him that my awkwardness is attached to my BPD and anxiety and that it’s not something I choose, his response was “that’s not a real thing” and “you can choose how you feel”
How can someone just tell you that your illness isn’t real.
Today was a pretty good day. Well I mean Nothing particularly bad happened. But even the little good things that happened weren’t enough to bring me out of this funk.
This is one reason I know that this feeling is complete and utter depression and not just being sad.
I’m having money problems and health problems and today some of my money problems were worked out and I felt nothing. No relief or anything. I know this is a huge contribution to my stress but solving the problem didn’t seem to make me feel any less depressed.
So how can you enjoy those days where nothing in particular goes wrong, or even the days where good things happen but you are still depressed?
I think this is why I often can’t get out of bed to go to work, even knowing a bad thing could happen like getting fired- I still can’t help the pull of wanting to lay in bed alone all day.
How can laying alone in bed all day be more satisfying that having good things happen to you? I feel like this is not normal and I don’t know what to do about it. I get no joy out of anything and everything is a struggle. And even when things aren’t a struggle I’m still depressed.
How do you break the cycle?
So tonight I went to watch a Netflix original movie that was recommended for me. The info said nothing about suicide or flashbacks or bullying or mass shootings.
I think this is a real problem when the movie turned out to be based on a kid who’s dad killed himself and another kid who planned on shooting up the school. I think this movie in particular can be problematic when people are not expecting this outcome. It could trigger people who are suicidal, it could trigger people who’s family members killed themselves, it could trigger people who are feeling harsh against a school or other mass area.
All these things not being explained can cause problems. Coming from someone who is suicidal and who’s father killed them self, it triggered emotions in me in two different bad ways. Especially with PTSD I think this day in age trigger warnings are sometimes necessary.
I always tell people that you never know your audience, this is especially true with something like Netflix. Putting out a series like 13 reasons why, they obviously understand the importance of mental illness, so why don’t they do more in other aspects of their movies and shows?
Having anxiety can be really hard for many reasons. For me, the hardest reason of all is waiting on responses from people. Texting is the worst. You never know if you’re taking something the right way or if the other person is going to take what you said and interpret it the way you mean. It can lead to so much miscommunication and fighting and then inevitably apologizing.
I recently got into the biggest fight with my best friend that we ever have. I said some really terrible things. Now I just poured my heart out apologizing and begging for another chance to not lose him as a friend. Waiting is killing my anxiety.
It’s so bad that it made have to add into my apology a “please at least respond so I don’t obsess about this” What’s worse is that it’s not just these huge conversations. it’s every text or call that goes un answered. Even if the text goes answered within a few minutes, I still spend that time worrying or obsessing.
It makes me change the way I handle my day to day and how I communicate with people. It means I try not to text people first. It means I try not to call people. It means I try not to need help from people. It makes life hard to live. But now I sit here crying after my long email, regretting that I put myself out there. Just hoping that this pain of anxiety will go away soon. Even if it means crying myself to sleep, which it mostly does mean.
Today was my first day of work in Colorado. Not even 30 minutes into my shift one of my coworkers said something like “I’m so fucking dumb I should just kill myself”
This triggers me for two reasons, as a very highly suicidal person it triggers me to think that all the work I did to try to believe there’s no line/brink of when you’re too stupid of dumb that you need to kill yourself go away. It also brings up feelings of suicide when I was in the moment not thinking about it.
Secondly not realizing I’m a child of someone who killed themself, it makes me relive that. You never know who your audience is, you never know people’s past. just be careful what you say.
If you know anything about BPD, you know it comes with lots of fear of rejection. It also comes with lots of relationship interference to try to save yourself from being rejected. Well today I picked a fight with my best friend. I said the meanest things I could possibly think of. I didn’t mean then, I was just hurting and scared that now I moved he wouldn’t want to talk to me anymore.
I thought I was already losing my best friend. I thought if I ended things first and made him hate me then it would be easier than having him hurt me. Well it worked.
You might be thinking that friends fight, and we’ll get over it. Well, I thought that too, but I think this time I went too far. No matter my intentions and how many times I say sorry it can’t take back what I said.
This isn’t the first time, and probably won’t be the last that I pick a fight because of my BPD, I just wish I knew how to control it better. I wish that when I started spiraling I remembered my DBT skills and I could stop saying what I’m saying and realize I really don’t want to ruin that relationship.
Needless to say I spent the whole day crying, knowing I messed up and there’s nothing to do. The first thing I think of is hurting myself. I know it’s not the answer, but I feel like it’s what I deserve for being so harsh, it also seems like what I need to cope with the loss of my friend. I’ve been really good, I haven’t cut and I’m trying to distract myself, I hope in sitting down and wiping my tears to write this helps.
I can’t make it through the day without crying. I just spent the last 5 days of so packing up my life and moving to Colorado. It sure has been an experience. And a bad one at that. As a Texas native I was excited to me moving for the first time to somewhere a bit cooler and less humid. And I’ve visited Colorado many times before.
But from packing being a disaster, to getting a late start, driving a Uhual cross country and when you get there finding out all your stuff wont fit in the apartment you rented from another state. I got here and the first thing I experienced was altitude sickness, I also had my whole body swell up like a potato- god only knows why, and then forced mothers day plans to the zoo when I got heat exhaustion.
All these things alone would be triggers to just want to curl up and die, but together I’m miserable. Not to mention I moved in with my brother who thinks all my chronic illnesses are fake and the doctors are lying to me and I feel fine and that I’m not trying hard enough. When I’m trying as hard as possibly can to even breathe.
Anyways, I know moving is always hard, and even harder with someone with my background. But I was so excited and now I can’t make it an hour without crying and wanting to drive back to Texas.
It’s impossible to make a fresh start when you feel like shit and no one believes your invisible illnesses are real. And everyone says I just an feeling homesick, but I don’t miss anyone. I don’t miss my house. I just couldn’t handle this much change and stress all at once and I want to go back to what I’m used to.
Why are there no blog posts or articles about BPD and relationship interfering with family. The truth is my family doesn’t really get my BPD. They just think I’m out to be mean or harmful. I wish they would read what I send about how hard things are for me.
I don’t keep in touch as much as I should and when I do I seem cold. I don’t mean to be, it’s just who I am. There’s nothing worse than your family telling you you’re being rude or hurting their feelings and not being able to understand why. Feeling like your family hates you and pushing them away because of it.
I wish that everyone could understand things when I explain them. And I wish that being different they would understand.