If someone asked me if I was okay

If someone asked me if I was okay I would tell them no. I would say “How would I be okay when I have no friends, I’m in major debt, even my brothers don’t want to spend time with me.”

But no one asks me if I’m okay. Why? Because I have no friends and my family doesn’t care. No one cares. The only person who has asked me how I am in the last several months is my therapist.

I can’t even name the last time I was hugged by anyone other than family. And even that is unusual.

I have no one to talk to that I don’t have to pay. And this.

I wish I just had someone to talk to.

When you’re worthless

I’ve known for a long time I was worthless, but lately it’s more and more clear to me that literally no one thinks of me. Not first and not even last. I feel like the guy on Master chef who always gets picked for team challenges last. Except at least he gets to participate.

So for those of you who didn’t know, I live with my brother and his girlfriend. They are constantly eating my food and not replacing it as if I don’t even exist. Tonight I was starving and had no milk to make mac and cheese. I asked the girl friend if she wanted to go to the store with me. After spending 30 minutes shopping for all the things they needed and me only getting milk, they didn’t replace one thing of mine they ate. Then surprisingly she said she was making a family size lasagna for dinner and I could have some. Great I thought, because I was broke and really wanted to wait until tomorrow night to make the mac. Well without a second thought they made the lasagna and ate it all. Never told me it was ready and sure as hell didn’t save me a piece. Why? because I don’t matter. I am never thought of. I’m never a priority. It would have been fine had they never offered me any, I would have just come home with my milk and made mac and cheese. I was starving anyways. Instead I waited 3 hours for lasagna that I never got any of. Now it’s too late to cook.

It’s not about the food, I can go without eating. It’s just that this isn’t the only example of me being forgotten or left out. It’s not even the only time in the last 3 days.

The fact of the matter is I’m always over looked, no one ever sees me. I’m never invited to things and when I am it’s with no consideration of any accommodations I might need for my anxiety or depression. My other brother’s wife is always inviting me over to spend time with my nephews and says that they’re having a low key weekend and it’s fine that I have no money and it’s fine that I don’t want to be around too many people I don’t know because it makes me anxious, and then I get there and all of a sudden they’re having a party. It makes me feel unwelcome and like I never should have come. Me and my visit or 3 hour drive is obviously not important.

Fuck, it’s things like this that make me want to die. Feeling unwelcome, unloved, forgettable, all things that make a person not want to be alive. I mean, Shouldn’t I be a priority for SOMEONE!? Everyone else is always a priority for me.

not understanding WHY you’re depressed

I have had depression for as long as I can remember. Most of the time I can pin point why I’m having an episode or why I’m feeling down. But lately I just can’t seem to understand what has got me in such a slump.

This is different than usual. I can get out of bed and force myself to do some self care. Yet something’s just not right. I can’t concentrate and I have little to no joy most of the time.

I was in a work meeting this last week, and things got a little heavy. MY boss was talking about this seminar he went to where there was a question ( I might get some of the details wrong) But the gist was “If I set out a beam on the floor with $10 on it, are you going to cross the beam for the money…yeah” “If you put the beam 20 feet above ground but there’s $100 at the end, will you cross the beam..maybe” “If you put the beam 100 stories off the ground and now it’s 100 yards long but there’s a $1000 at the end, will you cross it..no” “what about a million dollars?….no” Now you have to think, WHAT would you cross it for. My boss said his kids. I got to thinking that there’s literally nothing I value enough to cross the beam for. I love no one or nothing that much.

Yesterday I went to the zoo with my 2 nephews, tow of the people I love most in this world. I was SO excited for the zoo. Thinking I would finally find joy in something again. And I was happy the boys had fun, but I just didn’t get the joy from it like I hoped.

Friday I went to 5 guys hoping for a burger cure, it normally works when I’m down. Nothing.

My usual solutions when I’m in a mood like this aren’t working. I don’t know what to do or why I’m feeling like this. The problem is it makes me feel worse than I already did. It makes me more depressed. Makes me ruminate more.

Making it into work on a bad day

Today was a bad day. I can’t explain why, there was nothing provoking me. I had no reason to feel so depressed and emotional. I was on the verge of tears all day. I barley made it through without having to leave early.

We’ve all HAD to go to work or school on a bad day. When there was just NO WAY you could miss that day. And those are the days you feel most useless as if you might as well not have even gone in because you’re not doing any work.

I spent most of the day staring into nothingness. I hardly talked to anyone. I’m in a call center and the first person I talked to today cussed me out for no reason. Throughout the day I had a record number of 6 people scream at me on the phone. On any given day you can expect at least 2 angry people. But today was a pretty high number and I was already feeling useless that it just made me work.

Being depressed or having an episode at work or school is one of the hardest things about having mental illnesses. These people are in charge of your lively hood- if you keep getting a paycheck or not. They typically do not even know about your problems, much less under stand them. And while the statistics say almost 20% of people in the united states are being treated for anxiety, you can still bet that the majority of people would never understand other mental illnesses.

AND even if it’s not true, you instinctively already feel less functional than everyone else you work with. Even if it’s not true you probably think everyone around you is “normal” and their life is perfect. So when you’re about to leak out tears and you’re surrounded by people who you feel are better than you, and people who could fire you, you start to have a panic attack and that makes everything rush out quicker and twice as strong.

I spent the whole day counting down the minutes until I could go to break, then lunch, then my next break and the finally home. I did LITERALLY the minimum amount of work I had to to not get in trouble for the day’s work.

I really shouldn’t be working. Or at least not full time. But I can’t afford anything else. And even if I gave up my strong feelings on taking government assistants, it’s a long road to ever get accepted and you have to not be working to even try. And that’s a huge risk.

We all need something to do every day, but sometime’s we just have to admit that we might not be functional enough for normal people work. And that feels like crap. And OF COARSE you think about this when you’re already at work feeling depressed and that makes thing SO much worse. Thinking you’ll never be able to function in society, that you won’t be able to keep your job, that eventually your charm is going to wear off and finding a new job is going to be less easy as you spend more and more time only at jobs for a couple months at a time.

Life’s rough. Work’s hard. Today was bad. But at least now I’m home and I get to sleep in tomorrow before my consultation with a potential therapist.

Distractions

When you read things on the internet or get advice from other people they always tell you to distract. They offer reading a book, cleaning, exercise, drawing or doing a puzzle as suggestions.

But they never mention alternatives of those things don’t work for you. What if reading hurts your head or makes you more sad. What if you have nothing to clean or you just don’t have the physical energy or if you just HATE it. What if you can’t exercise because of body pain. What if yo’re not good at art? What if you’re not good at puzzles or they make you more frustrated or feel like a failure. What then?

Are you destined to sit around and do nothing and be depressed all the time?

What do you do when you’re broke and all you have at your disposal is Netflix? That gets pretty old after awhile and means you’re just laying in bed wallowing even if you have something going on in the background. If anyone has any suggestions I could really use something right about now.

Finding a new therapist

One of the most vulnerable things about having mental illnesses or even just going through a rough time is reaching out for help. For those of you who are in therapy and those who have looked into it but couldn’t proceed for whatever reason know it’s one of the hardest things to do.

It’s also one of the most key elements to recovery. Finding a good therapist is hard, and having to find a new therapist and halt treatment is even harder.

I have been in weekly therapy since January up until a couple months ago. When I moved I made arrangements with my therapist in Texas whom I really liked, and seemed to be helping me make progress. But not that I haven’t been seeing her for a couple months due to money issues, I can’t get a hold of her. I know I need to get back into treatment ASAP.

But it’s hard finding someone who is both affordable and someone you can connect to. Today I spent most of the day looking online for affordable counseling in my area. The problem is I need a specialist which is not cheap, and I need regular long term treatment.

I after many many calls, I talked to someone who I thought might be a good fit. But even if I qualify for his sliding scale fee it’s $75 per session. And that’s $300 a month. I know I can’t afford that, I mean I could barley afford $25 a week.

What am I going to do? I can’t kill myself working to try to afford therapy. That would only be counter productive to recovery and trying to feel better.

I honestly can’t figure out how people do this, I know it’s something I desperately need. And I know I won’t stay out of the hospital without it. But how do people who are in as bad of a situation as me afford it. I work, yes. But I still haven’t caught up on my bills from the last time I was out of work because I was too depressed to get out of bed. And I’m only making barley over minimum wage.

I don’t want a new therapist, I don’t want to start over, I don’t want the progress I made the last 8 months to mean nothing. it just seems easier to forget it all and forget about therapy and wallow and hate myself. It’s deff cheaper to do that. I just don’t know.

What I think you think when I’m suicidal

Truth is, you don’t want me to die. And you don’t want me to kill myself. You don’t feel relief when I try and you are hurt by my actions. You do care about me. This is your truth.

My truth is that I think and feel something completely different when I’m in a major depressive suicidal episode. I truly and whole heartedly believe you want me dead just as much as I want to be dead. And that makes me want to do it more because I want to make you happy.

I think you’ll be happy without me. That you want me dead because that will be the end of a burden for you. I think you’re disappointed when I fail or give in to getting help. I think that you only offer help to pretend you care. I think that my failure is not just on me but that I’m a failure to you and everyone else.

I know you don’t get this. I know you think that it must be obvious you care and it must be obvious that you don’t want me dead. But it’s not. At least not when I’m like this.

When I’m in a suicidal state of mind nothing seems the way it really is. I feel drunk in the sense that everything is twisted and tangled. I feel loopy and groggy. When you say left I think you must mean right.

When I get out of an episode I know these things were not true. I now know your truth again. I thank “god” (even though I’m not religious) that I’m still alive. I hold it for as long as I can until I end up in another fit. And the cycle continues.

I know this is hard on you, I wish I could change. I wish every minute of every day that I was different, worthy. But I know that as long as I can be I will be okay. I know it won’t last, but it’s being prepared that matters. It’s knowing that things aren’t going to change over night and that I have to work hard to make that time in between suicidal episodes longer and longer.

I will win this fight. And those of you out there who feel like me, so will you.

Something that is all too easy to forget when you are triggered or suicidal is the National Suicide Hotline (For those of you in the US 1-800-273-8255), please, if you feel like me do not be afraid to use it. If you need to talk and you have no one. If you are in this state where you think everyone close to you wants you to die too, then talk to someone who is not close to you. Get a fresh perspective.

Emotional support animals

This day and age everyone thinks emotional support animals are just a way to give people who want to bring their pets everywhere with them a way. And sure, a lot of people abuse how easy it is to get the paperwork done.

However, I know more than anyone that with or without paperwork, most animals in their own way are emotional support animals. I mean, mental illness or not, if you have a pet you come home and the first thing you do is tend to them. When you’re upset they’re always there for you.

For some it goes to the next level, some people need an animal to be there for them. Some people have friends and others don’t. Some people can communicate their feelings and others can’t. None of these thing are more validating than others for your needs for emotional support. And sometimes that emotional support is better coming from a dog or a cat or a pig or something that’s been there for you always.

That’s why you should never question or make fun of or do anything but defend an emotional support animal.

Never, I mean never ask someone to leave behind their emotional support animal over a long weekend just because YOU think that having them there is a burden. Having a dog around might be the saving grace for someone with anxiety or ptsd or anger issues or bi polar. No matter how high functioning the person may seem, you never know what they need to stay that functional.

So no, as a person with BPD, anxiety, PTSD, depression and more, I will not leave my emotional support dog behind. I’d rather not come at all.

Triggers for self harm

trigger warning this is going to get a little gross. I know I said triggerS, but I’m only going to talk about one tonight. For me my biggest trigger is when something happens and I’m forced to hurt myself to fix it and then all I want to do is cut after that because the pain I felt was a reminder of how good self harming feels.

I realize that might have been a bit confusing, here are two recent examples. A couple weeks ago I got 5 splinters in my hands that were too thin and broke easily that I needed to cut them out. So I did what any normal person without a friend would do, I cut the palm of my hand to dig out the splinters. And then I couldn’t contain myself. I sliced up my wrist. Cutting myself for the first time in 6.5 months.

The most recent example is from just a few minutes ago. I needed to blog a second time tonight because I needed something to take my mind off of self harming. I was in the shower getting ready for bed when I noticed my toe nails were getting too long. I went to trim them and accidentally pulled off about 80% of my pinky toe nail. IF that wasn’t rough enough, I couldn’t get it all the way off, it was just dangling by a little bit because it hurt pretty bad. I decided that I knew when I pulled it off it would hurt and bleed and that would be a rigger for me. I tried the only thing I could to avoid it.

I asked my brother if he would pull it off for me. Using the lame excuse of it hurting too bad to do it myself. Even though in reality I was worried once I did it I wouldn’t be able to stop myself. Of coarse he refused, because what is family for? obviously not for helping. So I pulled it off myself. There was blood and pain and crying.

But the crying wasn’t because of the pain, it was because of the panic attack of not wanting to self harm. Wanting to be better. But the urge is hard, self harm is an addiction just like drugs and alcohol and I wish my brother could read minds. Now I sit here writing, needing to get out my feelings and needing to distract myself.

Anyways, I hope I can sleep tonight without indecent. Good luck to me

Letter to my future self

I usually write late at night, but I’m starting this post early because I think it’s going to take a while to write.

I’m writing this letter for my future self to read when I feel bad and like I can’t make it through. I hope it gets you to either feel like it’s something you can also look back on or inspire you to write your own letter to yourself…

Dear future me,

I know if you’re reading this it’s because you are feeling down. And I know when you feel down you start feeling nostalgic. I know you’ve probably already gone through all your childhood pictures and maybe even some pictures on facebook. I know if you have a best friend you’ve probably texted them.

At this point I know you’re desperate to feel better, and you probably feel like you don’t deserve to feel better. You feel like you don’t deserve to live. You’re contemplating suicide or self harm. You feel alone and scared and numb.

Here’s some things to remember:

  1. You still have ambitions- If you still have ambitions you have a purpose. I know you don’t think you are good enough but you are. You’re creative and innovative to get things done.
  2. You DO have people who care about you. You have come so far in life and made it this long, and that’s only because of the people who believed in you and helped you when you couldn’t manage on your own.
  3. You are constantly making progress. You started from nowhere with nothing and you have your own place to live and a job (I’m assuming). And if you don’t you’ve always been good at getting jobs instantly.
  4. You’ve gone so long without self harm or an attempt, don’t jeopardize it now. You want to make it farther than you ever have before. Eventually you’ll go days then weeks then months without thinking about hurting yourself.
  5. And lastly, you have your animals. I don’t know if you still have frenchie, or marshmallow or some other animal. But I KNOW YOU, you have got some badass animals that depend on you and you need to be there and get your shit together for them. Because what would they do without you?

You have survived so much and you have been so strong through you’re entire life. You have been broken down and beaten and sick but you still TRY to get up and do what you need to do to live every day. And that’s not someone who wants to kill themselves, that’s someone who is desperate for help and wants to live.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help. If you’re not still in therapy you need to work on that, we both know you need professional help. And that’s not a bad thing, it makes you stronger and less lonely. So make sure you keep up with your health.

I hope you’re feeling better health wise, but I know if you’re this down you are probably feeling pretty shitty too. Just make sure you keep up with feeling better, trying and hard work is the only way things will change for the better.

Do me a favor, do something for you. Right now. Make a list to sort things out. You know you love lists. Drink some chocolate milk, or eat some oreos, make some macaroni– do something that makes you feel better instantly. Put on cat in the hat or willy wonka and just relax and feel good for the moment.

TOMORROW IS A NEW DAY. Be prepared for it, be ready to change, be ready to try. YOU GOT THIS.

–Past you 🙂