Finding a new therapist

One of the most vulnerable things about having mental illnesses or even just going through a rough time is reaching out for help. For those of you who are in therapy and those who have looked into it but couldn’t proceed for whatever reason know it’s one of the hardest things to do.

It’s also one of the most key elements to recovery. Finding a good therapist is hard, and having to find a new therapist and halt treatment is even harder.

I have been in weekly therapy since January up until a couple months ago. When I moved I made arrangements with my therapist in Texas whom I really liked, and seemed to be helping me make progress. But not that I haven’t been seeing her for a couple months due to money issues, I can’t get a hold of her. I know I need to get back into treatment ASAP.

But it’s hard finding someone who is both affordable and someone you can connect to. Today I spent most of the day looking online for affordable counseling in my area. The problem is I need a specialist which is not cheap, and I need regular long term treatment.

I after many many calls, I talked to someone who I thought might be a good fit. But even if I qualify for his sliding scale fee it’s $75 per session. And that’s $300 a month. I know I can’t afford that, I mean I could barley afford $25 a week.

What am I going to do? I can’t kill myself working to try to afford therapy. That would only be counter productive to recovery and trying to feel better.

I honestly can’t figure out how people do this, I know it’s something I desperately need. And I know I won’t stay out of the hospital without it. But how do people who are in as bad of a situation as me afford it. I work, yes. But I still haven’t caught up on my bills from the last time I was out of work because I was too depressed to get out of bed. And I’m only making barley over minimum wage.

I don’t want a new therapist, I don’t want to start over, I don’t want the progress I made the last 8 months to mean nothing. it just seems easier to forget it all and forget about therapy and wallow and hate myself. It’s deff cheaper to do that. I just don’t know.

What I think you think when I’m suicidal

Truth is, you don’t want me to die. And you don’t want me to kill myself. You don’t feel relief when I try and you are hurt by my actions. You do care about me. This is your truth.

My truth is that I think and feel something completely different when I’m in a major depressive suicidal episode. I truly and whole heartedly believe you want me dead just as much as I want to be dead. And that makes me want to do it more because I want to make you happy.

I think you’ll be happy without me. That you want me dead because that will be the end of a burden for you. I think you’re disappointed when I fail or give in to getting help. I think that you only offer help to pretend you care. I think that my failure is not just on me but that I’m a failure to you and everyone else.

I know you don’t get this. I know you think that it must be obvious you care and it must be obvious that you don’t want me dead. But it’s not. At least not when I’m like this.

When I’m in a suicidal state of mind nothing seems the way it really is. I feel drunk in the sense that everything is twisted and tangled. I feel loopy and groggy. When you say left I think you must mean right.

When I get out of an episode I know these things were not true. I now know your truth again. I thank “god” (even though I’m not religious) that I’m still alive. I hold it for as long as I can until I end up in another fit. And the cycle continues.

I know this is hard on you, I wish I could change. I wish every minute of every day that I was different, worthy. But I know that as long as I can be I will be okay. I know it won’t last, but it’s being prepared that matters. It’s knowing that things aren’t going to change over night and that I have to work hard to make that time in between suicidal episodes longer and longer.

I will win this fight. And those of you out there who feel like me, so will you.

Something that is all too easy to forget when you are triggered or suicidal is the National Suicide Hotline (For those of you in the US 1-800-273-8255), please, if you feel like me do not be afraid to use it. If you need to talk and you have no one. If you are in this state where you think everyone close to you wants you to die too, then talk to someone who is not close to you. Get a fresh perspective.


Emotional support animals

This day and age everyone thinks emotional support animals are just a way to give people who want to bring their pets everywhere with them a way. And sure, a lot of people abuse how easy it is to get the paperwork done.

However, I know more than anyone that with or without paperwork, most animals in their own way are emotional support animals. I mean, mental illness or not, if you have a pet you come home and the first thing you do is tend to them. When you’re upset they’re always there for you.

For some it goes to the next level, some people need an animal to be there for them. Some people have friends and others don’t. Some people can communicate their feelings and others can’t. None of these thing are more validating than others for your needs for emotional support. And sometimes that emotional support is better coming from a dog or a cat or a pig or something that’s been there for you always.

That’s why you should never question or make fun of or do anything but defend an emotional support animal.

Never, I mean never ask someone to leave behind their emotional support animal over a long weekend just because YOU think that having them there is a burden. Having a dog around might be the saving grace for someone with anxiety or ptsd or anger issues or bi polar. No matter how high functioning the person may seem, you never know what they need to stay that functional.

So no, as a person with BPD, anxiety, PTSD, depression and more, I will not leave my emotional support dog behind. I’d rather not come at all.

Triggers for self harm

trigger warning this is going to get a little gross. I know I said triggerS, but I’m only going to talk about one tonight. For me my biggest trigger is when something happens and I’m forced to hurt myself to fix it and then all I want to do is cut after that because the pain I felt was a reminder of how good self harming feels.

I realize that might have been a bit confusing, here are two recent examples. A couple weeks ago I got 5 splinters in my hands that were too thin and broke easily that I needed to cut them out. So I did what any normal person without a friend would do, I cut the palm of my hand to dig out the splinters. And then I couldn’t contain myself. I sliced up my wrist. Cutting myself for the first time in 6.5 months.

The most recent example is from just a few minutes ago. I needed to blog a second time tonight because I needed something to take my mind off of self harming. I was in the shower getting ready for bed when I noticed my toe nails were getting too long. I went to trim them and accidentally pulled off about 80% of my pinky toe nail. IF that wasn’t rough enough, I couldn’t get it all the way off, it was just dangling by a little bit because it hurt pretty bad. I decided that I knew when I pulled it off it would hurt and bleed and that would be a rigger for me. I tried the only thing I could to avoid it.

I asked my brother if he would pull it off for me. Using the lame excuse of it hurting too bad to do it myself. Even though in reality I was worried once I did it I wouldn’t be able to stop myself. Of coarse he refused, because what is family for? obviously not for helping. So I pulled it off myself. There was blood and pain and crying.

But the crying wasn’t because of the pain, it was because of the panic attack of not wanting to self harm. Wanting to be better. But the urge is hard, self harm is an addiction just like drugs and alcohol and I wish my brother could read minds. Now I sit here writing, needing to get out my feelings and needing to distract myself.

Anyways, I hope I can sleep tonight without indecent. Good luck to me

Letter to my future self

I usually write late at night, but I’m starting this post early because I think it’s going to take a while to write.

I’m writing this letter for my future self to read when I feel bad and like I can’t make it through. I hope it gets you to either feel like it’s something you can also look back on or inspire you to write your own letter to yourself…

Dear future me,

I know if you’re reading this it’s because you are feeling down. And I know when you feel down you start feeling nostalgic. I know you’ve probably already gone through all your childhood pictures and maybe even some pictures on facebook. I know if you have a best friend you’ve probably texted them.

At this point I know you’re desperate to feel better, and you probably feel like you don’t deserve to feel better. You feel like you don’t deserve to live. You’re contemplating suicide or self harm. You feel alone and scared and numb.

Here’s some things to remember:

  1. You still have ambitions- If you still have ambitions you have a purpose. I know you don’t think you are good enough but you are. You’re creative and innovative to get things done.
  2. You DO have people who care about you. You have come so far in life and made it this long, and that’s only because of the people who believed in you and helped you when you couldn’t manage on your own.
  3. You are constantly making progress. You started from nowhere with nothing and you have your own place to live and a job (I’m assuming). And if you don’t you’ve always been good at getting jobs instantly.
  4. You’ve gone so long without self harm or an attempt, don’t jeopardize it now. You want to make it farther than you ever have before. Eventually you’ll go days then weeks then months without thinking about hurting yourself.
  5. And lastly, you have your animals. I don’t know if you still have frenchie, or marshmallow or some other animal. But I KNOW YOU, you have got some badass animals that depend on you and you need to be there and get your shit together for them. Because what would they do without you?

You have survived so much and you have been so strong through you’re entire life. You have been broken down and beaten and sick but you still TRY to get up and do what you need to do to live every day. And that’s not someone who wants to kill themselves, that’s someone who is desperate for help and wants to live.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help. If you’re not still in therapy you need to work on that, we both know you need professional help. And that’s not a bad thing, it makes you stronger and less lonely. So make sure you keep up with your health.

I hope you’re feeling better health wise, but I know if you’re this down you are probably feeling pretty shitty too. Just make sure you keep up with feeling better, trying and hard work is the only way things will change for the better.

Do me a favor, do something for you. Right now. Make a list to sort things out. You know you love lists. Drink some chocolate milk, or eat some oreos, make some macaroni– do something that makes you feel better instantly. Put on cat in the hat or willy wonka and just relax and feel good for the moment.

TOMORROW IS A NEW DAY. Be prepared for it, be ready to change, be ready to try. YOU GOT THIS.

–Past you 🙂

Sorry I’m me

I have 2 secrets that I’ve never told anyone. Including a therapist. Here is one and my many spinoff thoughts I have in my head around it. One of the reasons I don’t make friends very well is because I often feel hurt by the thought that I don’t feel like anyone likes me and that I’m always a burden when I’m around. The big part is I feel really really sad that no one listens to me. And I don’t think people even realize they’re doing it. They just do it subconsciously because they don’t care about me or what I say.

It’s not just friends, it’s family too. That’s why I can’t have a relationship with so many of them, they don’t even care about me. Mostly people don’t understand that I need special accommodations sometimes, that I’ll have a panic attack or get sick in normal situations. Like going to a bar, or having too many people over, or literally anything I tell them I can’t do.

But I feel left out so much because people don’t like me, so when I’m in groups people never listen to me or if they even let me talk they don’t hear me. I used to think that people thought I was annoying, because that’s what my brothers always told me as a kid. But now I don’t even get to say or do enough to be considered boring. I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong around everybody.

It just must be who I am that people don’t like. And I feel like I’ll never be able to change.

This is why I feel like no one cares about me, I’m never anyone’s first priority. And that’s what I think love is, when someone else is your first priority.

As hard as it is for me to feel, I have loved. But since it’s hard for me to feel, maybe I do it wrong. Maybe that’s just one more thing on the laundry list of things about me that aren’t normal. Will anyone ever Love me? Is it even possible for me to be loved?

So I said a lot of things here, the secret part was the part about how hurt I feel about not being heard. I’ve never let it show that I even notice or I tell people it’s fine when they realized I’ve shut down.

I guess that’s why I’m constantly saying I’m sorry. I’m sorry to be me. I’m sorry I’m a burden. I’m sorry I have the same desire to be loved as normal people.

I don’t know, maybe this blog post was all over the place, I write most of my post for you guys, but this one was for me. I just needed to tell someone how lonely I feel being me.

Medical marijuana and the dilemma of whether or not to use it instead of prescription medication

I told you it was coming. My thoughts on medical marijuana and how I have cut down on my prescription medicine since I’ve moved to Colorado and started using it regularly.

So just for some background, on what I’m using I’m using CBD oil with 51.6mg of THCA, 25.9mg of THC, and 570.5mg  of CBDA. I will also take hybrid and indica gummy edibles.

So before I moved to Colorado in May, I had been smoking for many years sporadically. The problem was what I was smoking, it wasn’t meant for medical purposes therefore it didn’t help my problems. Those of you who have kept up with my blog from the beginning or have caught up, you know I have some significant mental health and regular health problems. As you can imagine I’ve been on so much prescription medication to manage my problems.

Since I was 14 I probably have been on around 100 different medications prescription and natural to try to fight the PTSD, depression, anxiety, insomnia, (for  awhile bi polar disorder when I was mis diagnosed), BPD, chronic headaches, fainting, and body pain. I’ve tried the chiropractor, acupuncture, yoga, and anything else you might suggest. But I was still feeling everything so intensely and painfully.

Since I’ve been in Colorado I have been trying to cut down on the medication, I just wanted to feel better and I wanted to make sure I was hurting myself less in the long run.

Out of all those medications I had only ever had a handful of days in my life with no pain, my headaches are the worst. But since being able to take the CBD oil that catches on to my pain receptors I never would have known that I can smoke it whenever I need, not get high so I can still function, and have more days than I can count that are less painful than ever. Also the Gummy edibles I take at night help me sleep and get some rest. I don’t take them every night, and like everything they don’t always work, but more times than not I can get some good hours of sleep before I wake up and it wares off.

As for my mental health, It doesn’t help all the time. But The prescription meds never worked for long. I still am unstable but being able to sleep and be in less pain causes less flare ups and I’m able to manage it better that I used to.

So as for the big question, the dilemma and  what I could deff use some input on. I have already started getting off the medication that I have been prescribed, but do I get off all of it? I’m down to two medications, both for my mood, but I don’t know that I see a difference. Some things to consider, the medication is SO expensive and I don’t have insurance here yet. I often forget to take it even with an alarm and me leaving it in my bed and then I feel like crap the next day. Also the long term effect that it could be causing on my body. Not to mention that since I was in the psychiatric hospital back in January, and all these medication additions I gained 90lbs (that’s 90lbs in 7.5 months)

The medical marijuana is 100% safe (you know other than the sugar I mix it in in my homemade edibles…but I can use all natural ingredients too if I want). It saves money. It’s all natural.

So what do I do?

Tired of being tired

Those of you with insomnia know that staying up all night isn’t as fun as people make it out to be. You know that you get up in the morning more tired than when you laid down.

If you’re anything like me than you have learned how to at least rest. I call it mini hibernation. But I still get up not feeling rested. I think even when I sleep I have such vivid dreams that I still wake up more tired.

I’m tired all day every day. There’s no winning if I’m up all night or sleep all day and night because I still feel the same tired all the time. What will it take to finally have a few days where I don’t feel like I’m dragging all day.

The worst part of it is that not sleeping makes everything more extreme. All my feelings and emotions, the BPD, the PTSD, anxiety, and my chronic pain is all heightened and elevated because I’m on edge from not sleeping and being tired all the time.

This is going to be a short post, I just wanted to let you guys know that if it be insomnia, or mental illness, anxiety– whatever it is keeping you up at night, you’re not alone.

Dealing with chronic pain

Hey guys, It’s the middle of the night here in Colorado. I got a couple hours of sleep but that’s it.

For those of you out there with chronic pain and illnesses you know you probably spend more nights awake in bed than you do sleeping.

Tonight was especially hard for me. I have had chronic headaches for as long as I can remember. Now I know a lot of people think having migraines is worse, and it might be in the moment. But the difference is that I wake up with a headache and go to bed with a headache every day of my life and there’s no cure or medicine that can fix it.

Tonight I had the worst pain I’ve ever had in my head, I was crying in bed for hours before I finally cried myself to sleep. But then I only even got 2 hours, and I’ve been up now for 4. I think I’m going to write a different post soon about the wonders of medical cannabis. But just to give you an idea of everything I tried tonight, I drank lots of water, took lots of advil, tried CBD oil, codeine, and finally more stronger cannabis. All of this for no alleviation and only to have my body feeling like shit now that I lay here awake.

I think chronic pain and mental illness go hand in hand and only perpetuate the other. I can’t feel happy if I’m constantly in pain. And if I’m constantly in pain and see no way out I’ll be down in the dumps and suicidal. But given a day without pain I could see myself actually tying to enjoy life. So every day I work for a day with little to no pain.

I guess there’s a few points to this blog post, one is to rant. But secondly, I don’t think there should ever be put a scale on whose chronic illness is worse, it’s all painful and it all causes major changes in your life that keep you from being able to do normal things. Third, It also is just to say not to give up, I’ve been dealing with this my whole life and recently have found some natural remedy that are helping. Yay cannabis. It might not take away all the pain, but normally there’s a significant reduction (just not tonight)

My life is a wreck

Hey guys, I feel like everytime I’m writing lately i have to start with an apology for it being so long since I’ve written last. Things have just been super crazy. I think about writing every day, but what if I have nothing useful to say?

I don’t know. So quick update, I went to the psychiatrist for the first time since I moves, my meds wern’t working and I was becoming very depressed and suicidal again.

The problem is that, the psychiatrist gave me false hope. He told me within 4 days I should feel world of difference, and it’s been 2 weeks and I feel nothing. I still feel down, but worse. The medication he took me off of stopped my racing mind, and this new one doesn’t. So now I’m still depressed AND I have a racing mind again.

One thing I can’t stand is false hope. One day I’m ready to kill myself or die, and the next I have someone saying they have the solution and it doesn’t work. It makes me feel like I’m too broken to be fixed and like I’m weird because it should have worked.

So now I’m just trying to get through every day. I try to sleep as much as I can so I don’t have to think about how bad I feel.

I’m sorry I didn’t have anything uplifting to share, like I have my whole lie turned around and I’m fantastic. I just needed to get off everything that’s been going on. It’s not like I have a lot of friends. I’m almost even too depressed and lazy to add tags to this, but I will.

Goodnight everybody.