New year but not a new me

For most people a new year means New Year’s Resolutions, people claiming they’re magically going to be new people.

For people like me, us….That’s not always a possibility. I mean, we’re they kind of people who have to make it day by day, not year by year.

Planning a whole year ahead is hard or even impossible when you don’t even know if you’ll be able to get out of bed tomorrow.

I’ll be the first to admit I AM doing better. But every day is still hard. And then the concept of setting resolutions for the year seems like all we’ll ever get is disappointment from that. Not that we CAN’T do whatever it is but other things are priorities. Losing weight or saving money seems like the least of my problems. Sure, they’re problems, but I need to focus on staying alive.

So here’s some attainable resolutions for me and maybe for you too:

  1. If we’re feeling broken and lost– This year we’ll get help
  2. Try to make a routine, anything to have a reason to get out of bed
  3. Try to make at least one new trusted friend
  4. Do something that make’s you happy as often as you can. Some would say daily or weekly, but I’m thinking at minimum monthly. Realistic goals.

Sorry I’ve been MIA, things have been crazy the last couple months, but they’re settling down and I’ll be back more.

Lying about how much pain and distress you’re in

You probably think I mean lying to exagerate the pain or depression. But I really mean the exact opposite. I’ve read a blog on the Mighty tht was on a similar subject. That people with chronic illnesses often have to make it seem like they’re in less pain than they actually are in. I’m adding a bit of a mental illness component too, since that’s also my life.

Having to downplay the pain and everything mental is necissary for a few reasons. At least in my life.

I lie to the doctors because I hate telling them how much pain I’m really in because they thing I’m lying for pills or attention. When really it’s the exact opposite. It’s not like I enjoy being on pills or having to go to the doctor’s office all the time. I wish I could just get out of the bed like normal people. Or like the past they’ll just tell me I need to eat better, exercise, and go to therapy more.

I lie to my family so they don’t fret over me. I know they won’t understand and they will think they know what’s best for me. They’ll have all kinds of ideas to make my life easier and i just can’t always handle that on top of everything else I’m dealing with it. Or they’ll walk on eggshells and treat me like I’m breakable.

I lie to my co workers and bosses. No one likes someone who never shows up. And in the past, I have been that person. And not to mention someone who needs extra when it comes to time for my mental health and doctors appointments or even if I can’t get out of bed. It has been so nice to find a job I love and I love getting out of bed to go to my job. But you don’t know coworkers enough to be honest. And you don’t want to be the person at the office everyone thinks is seeking attention. And you don’t want to give your boss any reason to sideline you or even not hire you.

I lie to my therapist and psychiatrist about my depression because I’m afraid if I’m honest about how bad thing are, then I’ll be forced into a mental hospital or I’ll lose myself on more medications. I’m not against medication, and it has helped me in the past. But I’ve never tried treatment without it and it hasn’t seemed to work in a long time. I get scared about what I can say and how honest I can be.

I lie to what few friends I do have left because I don’t want to lose any more friends over my illnesses. And I have lost so many because it seemed like it was too much to handle. But if I don’t ever mention my problems then I can’t scare them away.

It makes it hard when you’re constantly having to judge if you can truly be yourself and be depressed or be in pain and be bale to just show it so you’re more comfortable. I’m sure I’ll find a balance someday.

Is it love, or is it mental illness?

No matter who you are, it’s the age old question of “How do you know if you love someone?” But what makes that question so much more important and even harder to answer is having mental illnesses.

The problem arises when you don’t know if you REALLY like someone or if it’s just your fear of abandonment or your clingyness or whatever that’s keeping you with someone.

But it’s really important to know if you’re in an unhealthy state of a relationship or if you really are meant to be. For me, with BPD I can come REALLY attached to someone really quickly or not be able to even be around people if I decide I don’t like them for no reason. So I have very few friends. So when I do get close to someone I go overboard, and I don’t know if it’s really love or if it’s just that I finally found someone who wants to spend time with me.the same kind of open

I think it’s different for everyone, but for me, some things that help me know if I really love being around someone or if it’s just loneliness.

Guidelines for me:

Make sure you’re comfortable with someone when you’re just relaxing or going out. Just make sure you can be yourself.

Make sure they’re the same kind of person you are, for example, if you’re a closed bedroom door kind of person, make sure they’re not an open bedroom door kind of person.

Make sure they have similar values

And most importantly, I know if I really care about someone then ALLLL the annoying things that everyone does that makes me crazy doesn’t bother me at all. For example, snoring, dragging feet, eating habits, etc. If you really care about them, then you don’t even notice those things that make you want to kill everyone around you.

Just make sure you know what you need. Make sure you’re not with people who don’t meet your requirements. I’m not always so good at it, but I’m trying.

Long time no type

I know we go through this every couple months, where I apologize to you an myself for not being so diligent about keeping up with everything.

These last few weeks have been REALLY stressful. I guess that means I should have been writing more, but I just didn’t have the energy.

Money is tight, as always. On Monday my car go repoed. I worked really hard to to buy  a new car the same day so I could get to and from work. Oh…speaking of work, I HATE MY JOB! I had everything worked out to work one more week then quit and I would have a couple weeks to find something new.

BUT NO. My brother and his gf broke up, and she is moving out. That means everything I am saving on not having a car payment now, is now going to my rent going up $300. It’s just so fucking ridiculous ALWAYS living paycheck to paycheck. I finally FINALLY had some brightness showing, something to say I was going to start saving money.

I have decided when my lease is up I’m going to make a move to my grandmothers, where I can have free rent and start saving for real.

God I just feel so stressed all the time. I was finally looking to make a change in my life for the better and not always been so stressed. But life has other options. Fuck me.

Not to mention my head has been hurting SO bad the last few days, and I can’t take anything for it because I’m searching for a new job. Which means drug test. FUCK ME.

Feeling left out

I haven’t been shy about not doing well at keeping friends or even making new ones. And the relationship I have with my family is complicated.

But I’m trying in my own way to to connect with the people around me. When I decided to move to colorado, it was to be closer to my 2 brothers and 2 CUUUTTEEE nephews. Me and my brother who was living in a hotel at the time, decided to get an apartment together. Mind you, we havn’t lived together in 10 years. Since I was 11 and he was 18. It is such a big age difference that living together was never like what it would be now. We have so many differences and our own mental illnesses we are dealing with.

Everyone told me it was a bad idea, and I listened to no one. The reason being is because of my BPD I make impulsive decisions, and when I make those decisions it’s pretty impossible to change my mind. (I’ve been working really hard specifically on this issue- but that’s for another post) But I love my brother more than anyone, even if we have some very big differences and issues to work on.

So he plays video games when he’s home. And every time i ask him to go out he never wants to. We have been out together twice since I moved here in May, and both of those times weren’t even “hanging out” they were me giving him a ride to the store.

So I really wanted to spend time with him, so I downloaded his favorite game, taught myself to play, got up a high enough score so we could play together and he hasn’t played with me once. he will sit there and play with his girlfriend every night, but never even considers me. I think he knows I only started playing for him and still nothing. It’s like he doesn’t even care about spending time with me. Even though I went out of my way to spend time with him in his own way.

It’s not just games, he knows I have no friends here yet he never invites me out with him and his friends and never wants to spend time together. I don’t even know why I moved here. I thought I had nothing back in Austin but but I have just as little here.

I really feel like I have nothing to live for anymore, even the few family members I care about seem to not want me anymore.

If someone asked me if I was okay

If someone asked me if I was okay I would tell them no. I would say “How would I be okay when I have no friends, I’m in major debt, even my brothers don’t want to spend time with me.”

But no one asks me if I’m okay. Why? Because I have no friends and my family doesn’t care. No one cares. The only person who has asked me how I am in the last several months is my therapist.

I can’t even name the last time I was hugged by anyone other than family. And even that is unusual.

I have no one to talk to that I don’t have to pay. And this.

I wish I just had someone to talk to.

When you’re worthless

I’ve known for a long time I was worthless, but lately it’s more and more clear to me that literally no one thinks of me. Not first and not even last. I feel like the guy on Master chef who always gets picked for team challenges last. Except at least he gets to participate.

So for those of you who didn’t know, I live with my brother and his girlfriend. They are constantly eating my food and not replacing it as if I don’t even exist. Tonight I was starving and had no milk to make mac and cheese. I asked the girl friend if she wanted to go to the store with me. After spending 30 minutes shopping for all the things they needed and me only getting milk, they didn’t replace one thing of mine they ate. Then surprisingly she said she was making a family size lasagna for dinner and I could have some. Great I thought, because I was broke and really wanted to wait until tomorrow night to make the mac. Well without a second thought they made the lasagna and ate it all. Never told me it was ready and sure as hell didn’t save me a piece. Why? because I don’t matter. I am never thought of. I’m never a priority. It would have been fine had they never offered me any, I would have just come home with my milk and made mac and cheese. I was starving anyways. Instead I waited 3 hours for lasagna that I never got any of. Now it’s too late to cook.

It’s not about the food, I can go without eating. It’s just that this isn’t the only example of me being forgotten or left out. It’s not even the only time in the last 3 days.

The fact of the matter is I’m always over looked, no one ever sees me. I’m never invited to things and when I am it’s with no consideration of any accommodations I might need for my anxiety or depression. My other brother’s wife is always inviting me over to spend time with my nephews and says that they’re having a low key weekend and it’s fine that I have no money and it’s fine that I don’t want to be around too many people I don’t know because it makes me anxious, and then I get there and all of a sudden they’re having a party. It makes me feel unwelcome and like I never should have come. Me and my visit or 3 hour drive is obviously not important.

Fuck, it’s things like this that make me want to die. Feeling unwelcome, unloved, forgettable, all things that make a person not want to be alive. I mean, Shouldn’t I be a priority for SOMEONE!? Everyone else is always a priority for me.

not understanding WHY you’re depressed

I have had depression for as long as I can remember. Most of the time I can pin point why I’m having an episode or why I’m feeling down. But lately I just can’t seem to understand what has got me in such a slump.

This is different than usual. I can get out of bed and force myself to do some self care. Yet something’s just not right. I can’t concentrate and I have little to no joy most of the time.

I was in a work meeting this last week, and things got a little heavy. MY boss was talking about this seminar he went to where there was a question ( I might get some of the details wrong) But the gist was “If I set out a beam on the floor with $10 on it, are you going to cross the beam for the money…yeah” “If you put the beam 20 feet above ground but there’s $100 at the end, will you cross the beam..maybe” “If you put the beam 100 stories off the ground and now it’s 100 yards long but there’s a $1000 at the end, will you cross” “what about a million dollars?….no” Now you have to think, WHAT would you cross it for. My boss said his kids. I got to thinking that there’s literally nothing I value enough to cross the beam for. I love no one or nothing that much.

Yesterday I went to the zoo with my 2 nephews, tow of the people I love most in this world. I was SO excited for the zoo. Thinking I would finally find joy in something again. And I was happy the boys had fun, but I just didn’t get the joy from it like I hoped.

Friday I went to 5 guys hoping for a burger cure, it normally works when I’m down. Nothing.

My usual solutions when I’m in a mood like this aren’t working. I don’t know what to do or why I’m feeling like this. The problem is it makes me feel worse than I already did. It makes me more depressed. Makes me ruminate more.

Making it into work on a bad day

Today was a bad day. I can’t explain why, there was nothing provoking me. I had no reason to feel so depressed and emotional. I was on the verge of tears all day. I barley made it through without having to leave early.

We’ve all HAD to go to work or school on a bad day. When there was just NO WAY you could miss that day. And those are the days you feel most useless as if you might as well not have even gone in because you’re not doing any work.

I spent most of the day staring into nothingness. I hardly talked to anyone. I’m in a call center and the first person I talked to today cussed me out for no reason. Throughout the day I had a record number of 6 people scream at me on the phone. On any given day you can expect at least 2 angry people. But today was a pretty high number and I was already feeling useless that it just made me work.

Being depressed or having an episode at work or school is one of the hardest things about having mental illnesses. These people are in charge of your lively hood- if you keep getting a paycheck or not. They typically do not even know about your problems, much less under stand them. And while the statistics say almost 20% of people in the united states are being treated for anxiety, you can still bet that the majority of people would never understand other mental illnesses.

AND even if it’s not true, you instinctively already feel less functional than everyone else you work with. Even if it’s not true you probably think everyone around you is “normal” and their life is perfect. So when you’re about to leak out tears and you’re surrounded by people who you feel are better than you, and people who could fire you, you start to have a panic attack and that makes everything rush out quicker and twice as strong.

I spent the whole day counting down the minutes until I could go to break, then lunch, then my next break and the finally home. I did LITERALLY the minimum amount of work I had to to not get in trouble for  the day’s work.

I really shouldn’t be working. Or at least not full time. But I can’t afford anything else. And even if I gave up my strong feelings on taking government assistants, it’s a long road to ever get accepted and you have to not be working to even try. And that’s a huge risk.

We all need something to do every day, but sometime’s we just have to admit that we might not be functional enough for  normal people work. And that feels like crap. And OF COARSE you think about this when you’re already at work feeling depressed and that makes thing SO much worse. Thinking you’ll never be able to function in society, that you won’t be able to keep your job, that eventually your charm is going to wear off and finding a new job is going to be less easy as you spend more and more time only at jobs for a couple months at a time.

Life’s rough. Work’s hard. Today was bad. But at least now I’m home and I get to sleep in tomorrow before my consultation with a potential therapist.


When you read things on the internet or get advice from other people they always tell you to distract. They offer reading a book, cleaning, exercise, drawing or doing a puzzle as suggestions.

But they never mention alternatives of those things don’t work for you. What if reading hurts your head or makes you more sad. What if you have nothing to clean or you just don’t have the physical energy or if you just HATE it. What if you can’t exercise because of body pain. What if yo’re not good at art? What if you’re not good at puzzles or they make you more frustrated or feel like a failure. What then?

Are you destined to sit around and do nothing and be depressed all the time?

What do you do when you’re broke and all you have at your disposal is Netflix? That gets pretty old after awhile and means you’re just laying in bed wallowing even if you have something going on in the background. If anyone has any suggestions I could really use something right about now.