There was never a moment that I was like “suddenly I’m not depressed anymore”. But there were moments that I noticed that I was feeling happier and I wouldn’t have categorized myself as depressed anymore. But lately I’ve been feeling not normal. But in all reality, it’s how I used to feel all the time. And when you really think about it, I’ve felt like this a lot longer than I’ve felt “normal”. So really, the brief time I felt like that was the time I didn’t feel like myself. The way I’m feeling now is not- not normal. I’m just getting back to normal. But I don’t want to feel like that again.
But it doesn’t feel like I’m as into it as I used to. I made some calls today to try to get in to see a therapist before I get too deep that I don’t even think therapy would help. I’m confident I can go back to feeling better, but I may not be so confident for long. None of the therapists I called answered, but I left a few voicemails. I’m feeling a little discouraged, but hopefully I can get some help soon. While I’m still open to help.
I’ve put off finding a new therapist for 9 months. I can’t help but feel like I did this to myself. I can’t help but think that I could be feeling 10X better than I ever did if I had kept going and kept working.
I’ve been working really hard the last couple months to feel better physically since I was finally feeling better mentally. But it’s like now that I’m feeling bad again there’s nothing that’s helping the physical either. It’s all connected.
I skipped work today, huge infraction, they are super serious about attendance. Will miss out in serious $$ from not just the hours missed but also my bonus. I rationalized it this morning, of coarse. This is the biggest hint to myself that I’m deteriorating. I’ve been losing my appetite again, maybe that’s a good thing after all the weight I gained. But I can’t tell if I’m feeling bad physically simply because of the sadness/depression or if it’s that I’m hardly eating or drinking. Both are cased from the feeling “off” so I know that’s the root cause either way. But maybe I could force myself to eat or force myself to be happy. So many thought racing through my head.
As you can tell, I’ve been back her a little more frequently. I just need help making it over this setback.