I haven’t been shy about not doing well at keeping friends or even making new ones. And the relationship I have with my family is complicated.
But I’m trying in my own way to to connect with the people around me. When I decided to move to colorado, it was to be closer to my 2 brothers and 2 CUUUTTEEE nephews. Me and my brother who was living in a hotel at the time, decided to get an apartment together. Mind you, we havn’t lived together in 10 years. Since I was 11 and he was 18. It is such a big age difference that living together was never like what it would be now. We have so many differences and our own mental illnesses we are dealing with.
Everyone told me it was a bad idea, and I listened to no one. The reason being is because of my BPD I make impulsive decisions, and when I make those decisions it’s pretty impossible to change my mind. (I’ve been working really hard specifically on this issue- but that’s for another post) But I love my brother more than anyone, even if we have some very big differences and issues to work on.
So he plays video games when he’s home. And every time i ask him to go out he never wants to. We have been out together twice since I moved here in May, and both of those times weren’t even “hanging out” they were me giving him a ride to the store.
So I really wanted to spend time with him, so I downloaded his favorite game, taught myself to play, got up a high enough score so we could play together and he hasn’t played with me once. he will sit there and play with his girlfriend every night, but never even considers me. I think he knows I only started playing for him and still nothing. It’s like he doesn’t even care about spending time with me. Even though I went out of my way to spend time with him in his own way.
It’s not just games, he knows I have no friends here yet he never invites me out with him and his friends and never wants to spend time together. I don’t even know why I moved here. I thought I had nothing back in Austin but but I have just as little here.
I really feel like I have nothing to live for anymore, even the few family members I care about seem to not want me anymore.