I’ve known for a long time I was worthless, but lately it’s more and more clear to me that literally no one thinks of me. Not first and not even last. I feel like the guy on Master chef who always gets picked for team challenges last. Except at least he gets to participate.
So for those of you who didn’t know, I live with my brother and his girlfriend. They are constantly eating my food and not replacing it as if I don’t even exist. Tonight I was starving and had no milk to make mac and cheese. I asked the girl friend if she wanted to go to the store with me. After spending 30 minutes shopping for all the things they needed and me only getting milk, they didn’t replace one thing of mine they ate. Then surprisingly she said she was making a family size lasagna for dinner and I could have some. Great I thought, because I was broke and really wanted to wait until tomorrow night to make the mac. Well without a second thought they made the lasagna and ate it all. Never told me it was ready and sure as hell didn’t save me a piece. Why? because I don’t matter. I am never thought of. I’m never a priority. It would have been fine had they never offered me any, I would have just come home with my milk and made mac and cheese. I was starving anyways. Instead I waited 3 hours for lasagna that I never got any of. Now it’s too late to cook.
It’s not about the food, I can go without eating. It’s just that this isn’t the only example of me being forgotten or left out. It’s not even the only time in the last 3 days.
The fact of the matter is I’m always over looked, no one ever sees me. I’m never invited to things and when I am it’s with no consideration of any accommodations I might need for my anxiety or depression. My other brother’s wife is always inviting me over to spend time with my nephews and says that they’re having a low key weekend and it’s fine that I have no money and it’s fine that I don’t want to be around too many people I don’t know because it makes me anxious, and then I get there and all of a sudden they’re having a party. It makes me feel unwelcome and like I never should have come. Me and my visit or 3 hour drive is obviously not important.
Fuck, it’s things like this that make me want to die. Feeling unwelcome, unloved, forgettable, all things that make a person not want to be alive. I mean, Shouldn’t I be a priority for SOMEONE!? Everyone else is always a priority for me.