I have had depression for as long as I can remember. Most of the time I can pin point why I’m having an episode or why I’m feeling down. But lately I just can’t seem to understand what has got me in such a slump.
This is different than usual. I can get out of bed and force myself to do some self care. Yet something’s just not right. I can’t concentrate and I have little to no joy most of the time.
I was in a work meeting this last week, and things got a little heavy. MY boss was talking about this seminar he went to where there was a question ( I might get some of the details wrong) But the gist was “If I set out a beam on the floor with $10 on it, are you going to cross the beam for the money…yeah” “If you put the beam 20 feet above ground but there’s $100 at the end, will you cross the beam..maybe” “If you put the beam 100 stories off the ground and now it’s 100 yards long but there’s a $1000 at the end, will you cross it..no” “what about a million dollars?….no” Now you have to think, WHAT would you cross it for. My boss said his kids. I got to thinking that there’s literally nothing I value enough to cross the beam for. I love no one or nothing that much.
Yesterday I went to the zoo with my 2 nephews, tow of the people I love most in this world. I was SO excited for the zoo. Thinking I would finally find joy in something again. And I was happy the boys had fun, but I just didn’t get the joy from it like I hoped.
Friday I went to 5 guys hoping for a burger cure, it normally works when I’m down. Nothing.
My usual solutions when I’m in a mood like this aren’t working. I don’t know what to do or why I’m feeling like this. The problem is it makes me feel worse than I already did. It makes me more depressed. Makes me ruminate more.