Today was a bad day. I can’t explain why, there was nothing provoking me. I had no reason to feel so depressed and emotional. I was on the verge of tears all day. I barley made it through without having to leave early.

We’ve all HAD to go to work or school on a bad day. When there was just NO WAY you could miss that day. And those are the days you feel most useless as if you might as well not have even gone in because you’re not doing any work.

I spent most of the day staring into nothingness. I hardly talked to anyone. I’m in a call center and the first person I talked to today cussed me out for no reason. Throughout the day I had a record number of 6 people scream at me on the phone. On any given day you can expect at least 2 angry people. But today was a pretty high number and I was already feeling useless that it just made me work.

Being depressed or having an episode at work or school is one of the hardest things about having mental illnesses. These people are in charge of your lively hood- if you keep getting a paycheck or not. They typically do not even know about your problems, much less under stand them. And while the statistics say almost 20% of people in the united states are being treated for anxiety, you can still bet that the majority of people would never understand other mental illnesses.

AND even if it’s not true, you instinctively already feel less functional than everyone else you work with. Even if it’s not true you probably think everyone around you is “normal” and their life is perfect. So when you’re about to leak out tears and you’re surrounded by people who you feel are better than you, and people who could fire you, you start to have a panic attack and that makes everything rush out quicker and twice as strong.

I spent the whole day counting down the minutes until I could go to break, then lunch, then my next break and the finally home. I did LITERALLY the minimum amount of work I had to to not get in trouble for  the day’s work.

I really shouldn’t be working. Or at least not full time. But I can’t afford anything else. And even if I gave up my strong feelings on taking government assistants, it’s a long road to ever get accepted and you have to not be working to even try. And that’s a huge risk.

We all need something to do every day, but sometime’s we just have to admit that we might not be functional enough for  normal people work. And that feels like crap. And OF COARSE you think about this when you’re already at work feeling depressed and that makes thing SO much worse. Thinking you’ll never be able to function in society, that you won’t be able to keep your job, that eventually your charm is going to wear off and finding a new job is going to be less easy as you spend more and more time only at jobs for a couple months at a time.

Life’s rough. Work’s hard. Today was bad. But at least now I’m home and I get to sleep in tomorrow before my consultation with a potential therapist.

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