Truth is, you don’t want me to die. And you don’t want me to kill myself. You don’t feel relief when I try and you are hurt by my actions. You do care about me. This is your truth.
My truth is that I think and feel something completely different when I’m in a major depressive suicidal episode. I truly and whole heartedly believe you want me dead just as much as I want to be dead. And that makes me want to do it more because I want to make you happy.
I think you’ll be happy without me. That you want me dead because that will be the end of a burden for you. I think you’re disappointed when I fail or give in to getting help. I think that you only offer help to pretend you care. I think that my failure is not just on me but that I’m a failure to you and everyone else.
I know you don’t get this. I know you think that it must be obvious you care and it must be obvious that you don’t want me dead. But it’s not. At least not when I’m like this.
When I’m in a suicidal state of mind nothing seems the way it really is. I feel drunk in the sense that everything is twisted and tangled. I feel loopy and groggy. When you say left I think you must mean right.
When I get out of an episode I know these things were not true. I now know your truth again. I thank “god” (even though I’m not religious) that I’m still alive. I hold it for as long as I can until I end up in another fit. And the cycle continues.
I know this is hard on you, I wish I could change. I wish every minute of every day that I was different, worthy. But I know that as long as I can be I will be okay. I know it won’t last, but it’s being prepared that matters. It’s knowing that things aren’t going to change over night and that I have to work hard to make that time in between suicidal episodes longer and longer.
I will win this fight. And those of you out there who feel like me, so will you.
Something that is all too easy to forget when you are triggered or suicidal is the National Suicide Hotline (For those of you in the US 1-800-273-8255), please, if you feel like me do not be afraid to use it. If you need to talk and you have no one. If you are in this state where you think everyone close to you wants you to die too, then talk to someone who is not close to you. Get a fresh perspective.