trigger warning this is going to get a little gross. I know I said triggerS, but I’m only going to talk about one tonight. For me my biggest trigger is when something happens and I’m forced to hurt myself to fix it and then all I want to do is cut after that because the pain I felt was a reminder of how good self harming feels.
I realize that might have been a bit confusing, here are two recent examples. A couple weeks ago I got 5 splinters in my hands that were too thin and broke easily that I needed to cut them out. So I did what any normal person without a friend would do, I cut the palm of my hand to dig out the splinters. And then I couldn’t contain myself. I sliced up my wrist. Cutting myself for the first time in 6.5 months.
The most recent example is from just a few minutes ago. I needed to blog a second time tonight because I needed something to take my mind off of self harming. I was in the shower getting ready for bed when I noticed my toe nails were getting too long. I went to trim them and accidentally pulled off about 80% of my pinky toe nail. IF that wasn’t rough enough, I couldn’t get it all the way off, it was just dangling by a little bit because it hurt pretty bad. I decided that I knew when I pulled it off it would hurt and bleed and that would be a rigger for me. I tried the only thing I could to avoid it.
I asked my brother if he would pull it off for me. Using the lame excuse of it hurting too bad to do it myself. Even though in reality I was worried once I did it I wouldn’t be able to stop myself. Of coarse he refused, because what is family for? obviously not for helping. So I pulled it off myself. There was blood and pain and crying.
But the crying wasn’t because of the pain, it was because of the panic attack of not wanting to self harm. Wanting to be better. But the urge is hard, self harm is an addiction just like drugs and alcohol and I wish my brother could read minds. Now I sit here writing, needing to get out my feelings and needing to distract myself.
Anyways, I hope I can sleep tonight without indecent. Good luck to me