I have 2 secrets that I’ve never told anyone. Including a therapist. Here is one and my many spinoff thoughts I have in my head around it. One of the reasons I don’t make friends very well is because I often feel hurt by the thought that I don’t feel like anyone likes me and that I’m always a burden when I’m around. The big part is I feel really really sad that no one listens to me. And I don’t think people even realize they’re doing it. They just do it subconsciously because they don’t care about me or what I say.
It’s not just friends, it’s family too. That’s why I can’t have a relationship with so many of them, they don’t even care about me. Mostly people don’t understand that I need special accommodations sometimes, that I’ll have a panic attack or get sick in normal situations. Like going to a bar, or having too many people over, or literally anything I tell them I can’t do.
But I feel left out so much because people don’t like me, so when I’m in groups people never listen to me or if they even let me talk they don’t hear me. I used to think that people thought I was annoying, because that’s what my brothers always told me as a kid. But now I don’t even get to say or do enough to be considered boring. I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong around everybody.
It just must be who I am that people don’t like. And I feel like I’ll never be able to change.
This is why I feel like no one cares about me, I’m never anyone’s first priority. And that’s what I think love is, when someone else is your first priority.
As hard as it is for me to feel, I have loved. But since it’s hard for me to feel, maybe I do it wrong. Maybe that’s just one more thing on the laundry list of things about me that aren’t normal. Will anyone ever Love me? Is it even possible for me to be loved?
So I said a lot of things here, the secret part was the part about how hurt I feel about not being heard. I’ve never let it show that I even notice or I tell people it’s fine when they realized I’ve shut down.
I guess that’s why I’m constantly saying I’m sorry. I’m sorry to be me. I’m sorry I’m a burden. I’m sorry I have the same desire to be loved as normal people.
I don’t know, maybe this blog post was all over the place, I write most of my post for you guys, but this one was for me. I just needed to tell someone how lonely I feel being me.