I haven’t been been writing in a while, not that it hasn’t constantly been on my mind. I just haven’t known what to say so I thought I would just start to write and ramble to get back in the hang of things.

What a roller coaster life is with BPD and all the other mental health issues. One minute I’m hot and another minute I’m cold and crying. I’ve just been trying to get settled here in Colorado, trying to make friends and get settled with a new job.

Life is lonely and sad and then it’s great and moving along swell. I don’t really know what to do or how to handle it, the intense emotions come in like heat waves. Things are crazy with my new job, I love it and I’m advancing well. The money will soon be stable and that will be one thing I don’t have to worry about anymore.

This month is always a hard one for me. June is the month my Dad killed himself and it’s fathers day. I have felt bad this month because normal I feel really sad and emotional over the deathaverssary (suicide) and this year I didn’t and I felt like I just was a terrible person who should feel more. But with fathersday I normally feel reminiscent and this year I was sad and angry. Angry that everyone else seemed to be having a fathersday and not me. It was just one more thing in this world I didn’t get.

This all triggers me being suicidal and I don’t know how to get over the need or want or desire to hurt myself or cut or feel it on my skin. And one minute I am feeling all this and the next minute I’m laughing and vise versa.

But then also I’m dealing with not knowing anyone here and it’s hard to make friends with how I am (maybe that’s for a different blog post)

How do y’all feel about my rambling posts? Is it good to hear that we all got shit or is it a waste of your time? I know I’m lying if I say I just do this to make myself feel better, I want to help other people too. Help them know they’re not alone, that life is crazy and we’ll all get through it even when it seems like we won’t.

WOW it feels good to write again, I’ve been laying in bed every night thinking about how I’m not good enough and feeling pathetic, and then I think about writing and I know it’ll help but then I worry I’m not a good writer or that I have nothing to say. With everything going on and this crazy transition in my life I’m glad I can count on coming back here even after a few weeks of not writing and feel better.

I know you guys read this, feel free to comment and maybe we can all help eachother.

Goodnight guys, thanks for letting me ramble.

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