If you know anything about BPD, you know it comes with lots of fear of rejection. It also comes with lots of relationship interference to try to save yourself from being rejected. Well today I picked a fight with my best friend. I said the meanest things I could possibly think of. I didn’t mean then, I was just hurting and scared that now I moved he wouldn’t want to talk to me anymore.
I thought I was already losing my best friend. I thought if I ended things first and made him hate me then it would be easier than having him hurt me. Well it worked.
You might be thinking that friends fight, and we’ll get over it. Well, I thought that too, but I think this time I went too far. No matter my intentions and how many times I say sorry it can’t take back what I said.
This isn’t the first time, and probably won’t be the last that I pick a fight because of my BPD, I just wish I knew how to control it better. I wish that when I started spiraling I remembered my DBT skills and I could stop saying what I’m saying and realize I really don’t want to ruin that relationship.
Needless to say I spent the whole day crying, knowing I messed up and there’s nothing to do. The first thing I think of is hurting myself. I know it’s not the answer, but I feel like it’s what I deserve for being so harsh, it also seems like what I need to cope with the loss of my friend. I’ve been really good, I haven’t cut and I’m trying to distract myself, I hope in sitting down and wiping my tears to write this helps.