There are times when I can’t believe I’m alive. Of coarse I don’t even want to be alive. I lay awake at night feeling sorry for being me. I want to message really my only friend and explain how sorry I am for being me. I’m not always sensitive, sometimes I’m too sensitive, I never feel like I’m just right in any given situation.
I feel like in my life no one has ever picked me first. No one has ever prioritized me. Well, at least not anyone who’s still alive. I think that has to say something about the kind of person I am. I’m no one’s best friend. I’m no ones favorite kid or grand kid. I’m no one’s favorite employee. I’m sub par at best.
It’s these lasting moments when I lay in bed at night thinking these things that I really know I want to die. But then, do I ever get what I want? I live in this world of things surrounding me that I don’t enjoy and I don’t want. I wish for things I can never have. Or at least seem impossible now. Happiness. Or any real feeling of joy or excitement.
I feel like I’m living life wrong, there must be something I can change to have feelings. I can’t even say I’m really suicidal. I don’t want to kill myself, I just want to die. I can’t even be suicidal right. What can I do right? I feel like all I ever do is ruin things or make others upset.
I recently learned in DBT that you can only be sorry when you break one of you own personal beliefs. But how can being myself be breaking one of my own personal beliefs? I know these things contradict yet I know what I’m feeling is sorry. Sorry I’m a bother, or too clingy, or loud, or quiet, or picky, sorry I’m me. How do I not feel this way anymore?