So Here’s the writing prompt for my first official CPT Assignment:
Please write at least a one-paragraph statement on why you think your most distressing traumatic event occurred. You are not being asked to write specific details about this event. Write about what you have been thinking about the cause of this event. Also, consider the effects this traumatic event has had on your beliefs about yourself, others, and the world in the following areas: Safety, Trust, Power/Control, Esteem, and Intimacy.
I know I have written much more than a paragraph, but I think it’s good. I think the biggest flaw in this prompt is the is no “MOST” distressing event that occurred, trauma symptoms are compounded by hit after hit and distressing event after distressing event. It’s all an awful cycle that is then passed on to the people who you surround yourself it, and the people that your raise, and it start’s the cycle all over again with another person. Parents learn how to parent from what they had, learned verbal/physical abuse or love and admiration, and the combination there of. I think it really does get better with most generations, with some exceptions, but mostly it always stays awful.
When you begin to consider the effects on trauma and think about the cycle of trauma within yourself and your surroundings, you start to understand why the trauma happened in the first place.
Safety: The only safe places I have been provided the majority of my life, have been conditional. So now I don’t know what real safety would even feel like.
Trust: Trust is a big one because you not only lose trust in others but in yourself and your thoughts. you are constantly living in doubt of others and yourself and the need for reassurance is real. I end up testing others to see if I can trust them and I always have to wonder if I’m a normal crazy or a crazy crazy. I have only really had 3 people I trusted in my life, where I felt comfortable talking to them about anything that was going on. One is dead and was the cause of all of my trauma to begin with. One left me without saying a word. Strike that, two left me without saying a word. And now, if I want to talk to someone about my worries and fears, I have to pay them. It’s lonely.
Power/Control: I try my hardest to have as much control as I possibly can and if I lose the control I start to lose functionality. Even from little things like needing to always know what time it is to never feeling comfortable somewhere because you constantly are on guard to make sure you do not end up trapped. It makes you extra avoid things because you cant have control over everything and then those things pile up and you end up extremely overwhelmed.
Esteem: So much of the time I dislike myself and I am scared I am going to have to live with myself forever. I didn’t ask to be here.
Intimacy: I use sex to avoid thinking about emotional things, but on the other hand if I need emotional attention, I unusually seek it through sex.
Myself: Often that I’m not good enough. Smart enough. Everything is always my fault. I’m not trying hard enough. Alone. No one likes me. No one cares about me. Not enough.
Others: Are around me when it’s convenient. No one goes out of their way to be with me. No ones priority or favorite person. I don’t have favorite person. I can’t even let myself because my last ones all left.
World: I can’t even have real thoughts or feelings about what’s going on in the world because everything is so internalized and small and frankly it doesn’t matter.