This is not the first post I’ve started with “Hey guys, it’s been awhile” and it probably wont be the last. Sometimes you get caught up in life and don’t make time for the things you actually want to do. I was thinking about coming here today and writing all the posts I’ve wanted to write the last couple months but didn’t. Now I’m thinking that I’ll just make a promise that moving forward when there’s something I really want to write, I’ll just make the time to write it. I’ts been a rough few weeks, not going to lie. Work has been stressful and my mental health hasn’t been the best. These are the times when I needed to rely on you guys and I didn’t.
Lots of changes at work: changed positions to a higher paying position and something I really wanted to do and all was great for a couple weeks. Then we got a new manager and she’s tearing everything apart. One thing I can say is that I still love what I’m doing., but I hate going to work. I’ve been here almost 6 months, which is an accomplishment for me and my BPD. I’ve thought about looking around, but I haven’t once almost walked out without warning. So I guess that’s really good progress on my part.
As for my mental health, I’ve been slacking on therapy. I haven’t’ been once since I started this new job. I work 10 hours a day and it’s hard to find someone who will work around that schedule and it’s hard on me to make time too. I have been feeling myself get down. Another reason why I’ve been putting it off is, I feel better. I really do. Even though I’m noticeably down, I don’t feel depressed.
I will talk for another second about accomplishments though, we all need to remember to celebrate the little things when they happen, especially me. I have not ONCE self harmed, and only once or twice even thought about it. I sometimes feel worthless, but I haven’t had suicidal ideations in a while either. This is something that used to be daily, if not hourly. I’m proud that this is not the normal for me anymore. Not constantly thinking of ways to die or to kill myself, or unique ways to self harm. It’s leaves a lot of time to think about things that actually matter.
Going a whole day without thinking about killing myself seemed impossible just a year ago (or less), but none the less, I can’t even remember the last time I thought about killing myself. For those who have been with me since the first post, it’s been a year this month since I started here. I started after being in the hospital and this being a recommendation from lots of people. And it really has helped. Maybe no one reads these, and maybe no one cares, but feeling like you do makes it worth it.
I know I feel like I’m in a rut right now, but it’s nothing compared to how my downs used to be, and I know I should be grateful for that. I will say though that when I feel down, it’s still hard to pull myself out of that hole. I think that being able to notice that is probably the first step in getting out of the hole, but I don’t know what the next step is. It’s hard to get past how tired I am.
Honestly getting better and progressing doesn’t mean I think I’m finished with recovery. I know I still feel sad, and lonely, and emotional. But I feel like I’m handling those feeling a lot better now. And I’m ready to start taking more actions to help remedy those feelings too. I signed up for a dating site, and I’ve been going out with coworkers. Last weekend I was in a really bad space, and I forced myself to wake up early on Saturday and go spend time with friends. Something I never would have done a year ago– I would have canceled the night before. But, here I am, still right in the middle of my hole. I’m trying to do what I think will help, but it’s not. And that’s so discouraging that even if I’m not as bad off as I was a year ago, that I’m still so unhealthy. Maybe this is as healthy as I’m going to get.
One reason I have been putting off writing here, is that when I’m in a lot of pain I’ll do dabs. And I usually lay down and go to sleep so I am not very functional. Especially on the days I’ve thought I needed to write–those are the days I’m in the most pain. But not today.
I know you guys don’t need me, but I need a place where I feel safe. So I promise to myself, unless it’s unbearable pain, when I want to talk I will. Whosoever out there, thanks. Here’s to the next year— but lets still take it one day at a time!