Am I depressed?

There was never a moment that I was like “suddenly I’m not depressed anymore”. But there were moments that I noticed that I was feeling happier and I wouldn’t have┬ácategorized myself as depressed anymore. But lately I’ve been feeling not normal. But in all reality, it’s how I used to feel all the time. And when you really think about it, I’ve felt like this a lot longer than I’ve felt “normal”. So really, the brief time I felt like that was the time I didn’t feel like myself. The way I’m feeling now is not- not normal. I’m just getting back to normal. But I don’t want to feel like that again.

But it doesn’t feel like I’m as into it as I used to. I made some calls today to try to get in to see a therapist before I get too deep that I don’t even think therapy would help. I’m confident I can go back to feeling better, but I may not be so confident for long. None of the therapists I called answered, but I left a few voicemails. I’m feeling a little discouraged, but hopefully I can get some help soon. While I’m still open to help.

I’ve put off finding a new therapist for 9 months. I can’t help but feel like I did this to myself. I can’t help but think that I could be feeling 10X better than I ever did if I had kept going and kept working.

I’ve been working really hard the last couple months to feel better physically since I was finally feeling better mentally. But it’s like now that I’m feeling bad again there’s nothing that’s helping the physical either. It’s all connected.

I skipped work today, huge infraction, they are super serious about attendance. Will miss out in serious $$ from not just the hours missed but also my bonus. I rationalized it this morning, of coarse. This is the biggest hint to myself that I’m deteriorating. I’ve been losing my appetite again, maybe that’s a good thing after all the weight I gained. But I can’t tell if I’m feeling bad physically simply because of the sadness/depression or if it’s that I’m hardly eating or drinking. Both are cased from the feeling “off” so I know that’s the root cause either way. But maybe I could force myself to eat or force myself to be happy. So many thought racing through my head.

As you can tell, I’ve been back her a little more frequently. I just need help making it over this setback.

Another year

Another year, another father’s day, another deathaversary, and another year of lost memories. This week marks 8 years since my father killed himself, a week before father’s day. Today marks my 8th father’s day without him. And this year marks the 8th year and I really really can’t remember what he looks like at all anymore.

I look at pictures and I recognize it’s him, but even the second I look away from the picture I can’t make out the face in my head. There are 2 specific things I’ll always picture and it’s his eyes and his mustache. But when I try to recall his face, those are the only two things I can make out. Like I’m blind but squinting lets me see clear for a split second before it goes away and that’s where my focus is.

I know I’m not the only person in the world going through this today, father’s day is a hard one. It just really sucks that I never feel like I get any specific day of the year to mourn.

His deathaversary is my brother’s birthday, his birthday is my cousin’s birthday, father’s day seems like the only day that is appropriate to miss him and I don’t have to celebrate anyone else.

My friend asked me earlier this week, why I get so sad this week every year about my dad when he was so awful to me. And my answer seems so irrational, even to me. I can’t help it. I just miss him. I’d rather have the bad back, then never get to experience the good again. Too bad that can never happen.

Setbacks

Lately I’ve been doing amazing. Well, amazing comparatively to how I used to be. I’ve been working with a chiropractor for a lot of my chronic pain, I’ve seen a chiropractor on and off for a decade but nothing constant. But I’m seeing tremendous results going twice a week. My headaches are at an all time low, I even had a half a day this week without a headache at all. My sleep isn’t better, byeeee for the first time I can remember I’ve been walking up feeling rested. My jaw pain is so much better, and even some random pains are gone.

I’m working with myself too, trying to feel better.

Last time I wrote I think I talked about how my suicidal ideations are almost non existent. This is all huge news.

But it feels like no matter how hard I try or how far I’ve come, one small thought can uproar it all. So small I don’t even remember what the thought was that triggered this emotional shut down. But I feel like something inside of me is missing. I’m in the middle of a panic attack that feels like it’s never going to end. Wrapping up hour 3 of straight panic.

I don’t get hungry anymore, I feel like I have new body pains I’ve never had, I feel completely alone, I feel scared to be alone in case I do start feeling suicidal. When these new pains happen I can’t help but think maybe I don’t deserve to be pain free. I did something to deserve this and the universe is going to make sure I live with it.

This feels like 10 steps forward, 8 steps back. And when you’re finally feeling on top for the first time ever, even a small set back feels like a boulder coming for you. If this happened 18 months ago it would just be about other day for me.

I literally had no one to turn to about this. I reached out to two people who I thought were close friends and they didn’t even respond. It’s a good thing I can always come here.

This last 18 months have been some of the hardest of my life, but the most rewarding for sure. And I don’t know why I can’t just enjoy it. I don’t want to feel so alone anymore.

Lately for every depressing post idea I have, I have 2 positive ones. I wish I made more of an effort to share that stuff with you guys too. But tonight I just needed to not feel so alone

Drinking alone with depression

I don’t talk a whole lot about my childhood. But there’s a lot of things from my childhood that shapes my actions as an adult. One of those is both of my parents were alcoholics. My dad gave me 2 tips about drinking growing up: 1) Don’t drink without a mixer or chaser (he said that’s how you become my mother…who drinks straight vodka) and I ABSOLUTELY did not want that. 2) Never drink alone. That’s also how you become and alcoholic.

I starting drinking at a pretty young age, mostly because of peer pressure from my father. But I made a point to never drink alone. With so much depression and other mental illness, I never thought it was a good idea to risk it. Before tonight I have drank alone ONCE, and it was a disaster and I needed someone to come stop me from self harming.

But this week I’ve stopped all CBD and THC, the things I’ve been using for my pain and sleep. I stopped because everything I was doing was requiring more and more to feel less pain or get to sleep. SO I thought I’d take a break and start up again in a few weeks. So I tried going without anything, but I also didn’t want to resort back to my sleeping pills. So a few night of no sleep and high pain I gave in…tequila. Last night I drank with my brother and had no worries. But tonight there was no one home but me.

I thought really hard about this, I was in pain and not able to sleep… I thought a bit about another bad night of sleep. And I knew I didn’t want that. I thought about the consequences of drinking alone, and the biggest issue was worrying I would fall back in a deep depression (given that it’s a depressive). And this week was so hard, I had two major breakdowns. I was so worried that this was a subconscious decision to get myself in a major depressive state again after this week.

But I then realized it’s been month since I was suicidal. And yeah, I’ve been down but not depressed. So I took the shot and got me some sprite and tequila and I’m tipsy enough to not be in pain but not drunk. And I don’t feel depressed at all.

The biggest thing is, knowing I can trust myself.

I have been packing all weekend for my upcoming move, and I found the box cutter I was previously using to to self harm, and I put it in my tool box and didn’t even think about cutting. The progress is unreal. Of coarse there are still weaknesses. But I feel really proud of where I’ve come from.

Catch up

This is not the first post I’ve started with “Hey guys, it’s been awhile” and it probably wont be the last. Sometimes you get caught up in life and don’t make time for the things you actually want to do. I was thinking about coming here today and writing all the posts I’ve wanted to write the last couple months but didn’t. Now I’m thinking that I’ll just make a promise that moving forward when there’s something I really want to write, I’ll just make the time to write it. I’ts been a rough few weeks, not going to lie. Work has been stressful and my mental health hasn’t been the best. These are the times when I needed to rely on you guys and I didn’t.

Lots of changes at work: changed positions to a higher paying position and something I really wanted to do and all was great for a couple weeks. Then we got a new manager and she’s tearing everything apart. One thing I can say is that I still love what I’m doing., but I hate going to work. I’ve been here almost 6 months, which is an accomplishment for me and my BPD. I’ve thought about looking around, but I haven’t once almost walked out without warning. So I guess that’s really good progress on my part.

As for my mental health, I’ve been slacking on therapy. I haven’t’ been once since I started this new job. I work 10 hours a day and it’s hard to find someone who will work around that schedule and it’s hard on me to make time too. I have been feeling myself get down. Another reason why I’ve been putting it off is, I feel better. I really do. Even though I’m noticeably down, I don’t feel depressed.

I will talk for another second about accomplishments though, we all need to remember to celebrate the little things when they happen, especially me. I have not ONCE self harmed, and only once or twice even thought about it. I sometimes feel worthless, but I haven’t had suicidal ideations in a while either. This is something that used to be daily, if not hourly. I’m proud that this is not the normal for me anymore. Not constantly thinking of ways to die or to kill myself, or unique ways to self harm. It’s leaves a lot of time to think about things that actually matter.

Going a whole day without thinking about killing myself seemed impossible just a year ago (or less), but none the less, I can’t even remember the last time I thought about killing myself. For those who have been with me since the first post, it’s been a year this month since I started here. I started after being in the hospital and this being a recommendation from lots of people. And it really has helped. Maybe no one reads these, and maybe no one cares, but feeling like you do makes it worth it.

I know I feel like I’m in a rut right now, but it’s nothing compared to how my downs used to be, and I know I should be grateful for that. I will say though that when I feel down, it’s still hard to pull myself out of that hole. I think that being able to notice that is probably the first step in getting out of the hole, but I don’t know what the next step is. It’s hard to get past how tired I am.

Honestly getting better and progressing doesn’t mean I think I’m finished with recovery. I know I still feel sad, and lonely, and emotional. But I feel like I’m handling those feeling a lot better now. And I’m ready to start taking more actions to help remedy those feelings too. I signed up for a dating site, and I’ve been going out with coworkers. Last weekend I was in a really bad space, and I forced myself to wake up early on Saturday and go spend time with friends. Something I never would have done a year ago– I would have canceled the night before. But, here I am, still right in the middle of my hole. I’m trying to do what I think will help, but it’s not. And that’s so discouraging that even if I’m not as bad off as I was a year ago, that I’m still so unhealthy. Maybe this is as healthy as I’m going to get.

One reason I have been putting off writing here, is that when I’m in a lot of pain I’ll do dabs. And I usually lay down and go to sleep so I am not very functional. Especially on the days I’ve thought I needed to write–those are the days I’m in the most pain. But not today.

I know you guys don’t need me, but I need a place where I feel safe. So I promise to myself, unless it’s unbearable pain, when I want to talk I will. Whosoever out there, thanks. Here’s to the next year— but lets still take it one day at a time!

New year but not a new me

For most people a new year means New Year’s Resolutions, people claiming they’re magically going to be new people.

For people like me, us….That’s not always a possibility. I mean, we’re they kind of people who have to make it day by day, not year by year.

Planning a whole year ahead is hard or even impossible when you don’t even know if you’ll be able to get out of bed tomorrow.

I’ll be the first to admit I AM doing better. But every day is still hard. And then the concept of setting resolutions for the year seems like all we’ll ever get is disappointment from that. Not that we CAN’T do whatever it is but other things are priorities. Losing weight or saving money seems like the least of my problems. Sure, they’re problems, but I need to focus on staying alive.

So here’s some attainable resolutions for me and maybe for you too:

  1. If we’re feeling broken and lost– This year we’ll get help
  2. Try to make a routine, anything to have a reason to get out of bed
  3. Try to make at least one new trusted friend
  4. Do something that make’s you happy as often as you can. Some would say daily or weekly, but I’m thinking at minimum monthly. Realistic goals.

Sorry I’ve been MIA, things have been crazy the last couple months, but they’re settling down and I’ll be back more.

Lying about how much pain and distress you’re in

You probably think I mean lying to exagerate the pain or depression. But I really mean the exact opposite. I’ve read a blog on the Mighty tht was on a similar subject. That people with chronic illnesses often have to make it seem like they’re in less pain than they actually are in. I’m adding a bit of a mental illness component too, since that’s also my life.

Having to downplay the pain and everything mental is necissary for a few reasons. At least in my life.

I lie to the doctors because I hate telling them how much pain I’m really in because they thing I’m lying for pills or attention. When really it’s the exact opposite. It’s not like I enjoy being on pills or having to go to the doctor’s office all the time. I wish I could just get out of the bed like normal people. Or like the past they’ll just tell me I need to eat better, exercise, and go to therapy more.

I lie to my family so they don’t fret over me. I know they won’t understand and they will think they know what’s best for me. They’ll have all kinds of ideas to make my life easier and i just can’t always handle that on top of everything else I’m dealing with it. Or they’ll walk on eggshells and treat me like I’m breakable.

I lie to my co workers and bosses. No one likes someone who never shows up. And in the past, I have been that person. And not to mention someone who needs extra when it comes to time for my mental health and doctors appointments or even if I can’t get out of bed. It has been so nice to find a job I love and I love getting out of bed to go to my job. But you don’t know coworkers enough to be honest. And you don’t want to be the person at the office everyone thinks is seeking attention. And you don’t want to give your boss any reason to sideline you or even not hire you.

I lie to my therapist and psychiatrist about my depression because I’m afraid if I’m honest about how bad thing are, then I’ll be forced into a mental hospital or I’ll lose myself on more medications. I’m not against medication, and it has helped me in the past. But I’ve never tried treatment without it and it hasn’t seemed to work in a long time. I get scared about what I can say and how honest I can be.

I lie to what few friends I do have left because I don’t want to lose any more friends over my illnesses. And I have lost so many because it seemed like it was too much to handle. But if I don’t ever mention my problems then I can’t scare them away.

It makes it hard when you’re constantly having to judge if you can truly be yourself and be depressed or be in pain and be bale to just show it so you’re more comfortable. I’m sure I’ll find a balance someday.

Is it love, or is it mental illness?

No matter who you are, it’s the age old question of “How do you know if you love someone?” But what makes that question so much more important and even harder to answer is having mental illnesses.

The problem arises when you don’t know if you REALLY like someone or if it’s just your fear of abandonment or your clingyness or whatever that’s keeping you with someone.

But it’s really important to know if you’re in an unhealthy state of a relationship or if you really are meant to be. For me, with BPD I can come REALLY attached to someone really quickly or not be able to even be around people if I decide I don’t like them for no reason. So I have very few friends. So when I do get close to someone I go overboard, and I don’t know if it’s really love or if it’s just that I finally found someone who wants to spend time with me.the same kind of open

I think it’s different for everyone, but for me, some things that help me know if I really love being around someone or if it’s just loneliness.

Guidelines for me:

Make sure you’re comfortable with someone when you’re just relaxing or going out. Just make sure you can be yourself.

Make sure they’re the same kind of person you are, for example, if you’re a closed bedroom door kind of person, make sure they’re not an open bedroom door kind of person.

Make sure they have similar values

And most importantly, I know if I really care about someone then ALLLL the annoying things that everyone does that makes me crazy doesn’t bother me at all. For example, snoring, dragging feet, eating habits, etc. If you really care about them, then you don’t even notice those things that make you want to kill everyone around you.

Just make sure you know what you need. Make sure you’re not with people who don’t meet your requirements. I’m not always so good at it, but I’m trying.

Long time no type

I know we go through this every couple months, where I apologize to you an myself for not being so diligent about keeping up with everything.

These last few weeks have been REALLY stressful. I guess that means I should have been writing more, but I just didn’t have the energy.

Money is tight, as always. On Monday my car go repoed. I worked really hard to to buy a new car the same day so I could get to and from work. Oh…speaking of work, I HATE MY JOB! I had everything worked out to work one more week then quit and I would have a couple weeks to find something new.

BUT NO. My brother and his gf broke up, and she is moving out. That means everything I am saving on not having a car payment now, is now going to my rent going up $300. It’s just so fucking ridiculous ALWAYS living paycheck to paycheck. I finally FINALLY had some brightness showing, something to say I was going to start saving money.

I have decided when my lease is up I’m going to make a move to my grandmothers, where I can have free rent and start saving for real.

God I just feel so stressed all the time. I was finally looking to make a change in my life for the better and not always been so stressed. But life has other options. Fuck me.

Not to mention my head has been hurting SO bad the last few days, and I can’t take anything for it because I’m searching for a new job. Which means drug test. FUCK ME.

Feeling left out

I haven’t been shy about not doing well at keeping friends or even making new ones. And the relationship I have with my family is complicated.

But I’m trying in my own way to to connect with the people around me. When I decided to move to colorado, it was to be closer to my 2 brothers and 2 CUUUTTEEE nephews. Me and my brother who was living in a hotel at the time, decided to get an apartment together. Mind you, we havn’t lived together in 10 years. Since I was 11 and he was 18. It is such a big age difference that living together was never like what it would be now. We have so many differences and our own mental illnesses we are dealing with.

Everyone told me it was a bad idea, and I listened to no one. The reason being is because of my BPD I make impulsive decisions, and when I make those decisions it’s pretty impossible to change my mind. (I’ve been working really hard specifically on this issue- but that’s for another post) But I love my brother more than anyone, even if we have some very big differences and issues to work on.

So he plays video games when he’s home. And every time i ask him to go out he never wants to. We have been out together twice since I moved here in May, and both of those times weren’t even “hanging out” they were me giving him a ride to the store.

So I really wanted to spend time with him, so I downloaded his favorite game, taught myself to play, got up a high enough score so we could play together and he hasn’t played with me once. he will sit there and play with his girlfriend every night, but never even considers me. I think he knows I only started playing for him and still nothing. It’s like he doesn’t even care about spending time with me. Even though I went out of my way to spend time with him in his own way.

It’s not just games, he knows I have no friends here yet he never invites me out with him and his friends and never wants to spend time together. I don’t even know why I moved here. I thought I had nothing back in Austin but but I have just as little here.

I really feel like I have nothing to live for anymore, even the few family members I care about seem to not want me anymore.