Today is a bad day

Today is a bad day. I started feeling a little unbalanced with my emotions pretty early in the day. By the end of the day I was debating between rearranging my tiny house, or chopping my hair off.

I went with the one that sounded harmless, and embarked on an expedition to rearrange. Well my measurements were wrong. I hurt my back moving. Nothing fits. And I proceeded to spend 2 hours crying.

This fit is the longest I’ve had in awhile, and back to same old me, I coped by pushing everyone away. No one could love someone who gets this way, so what even is the point. I’ll probably end up alone forever. For the first time in months I’ve tmj light deeply about self harming. I just need a good feeling back.

I’m done crying, but I’m not doing too much better. I still don’t know what I want, and my house is a disaster. I’ve decided to leave everything alone tonight and get some sleep. Maybe a clear mind will help tomorrow. Goodnight people.

My recent journey

I wish I had been better about keeping this updated over the past few months. There have been so many changes, ups and downs, and I want to have it documented across my mental health journey. That’s what this blog has always been about.

Back in June I really started feeling down again, I wasn’t sure if I was actively depressed or what was going on, so I got back into therapy. At the time I was worried I’d have to be in therapy my whole life, who knows. I do know that was the best decision I could have made for myself at the time. I got into some deep therapy and eventually decided to try some medication.

Medication has been something I have been very against since going off all of it in July of 2017 after gaining 90lbs because of medication. But I decided to give it one more shot.

I started in August to taking an anti-psychotic for my racing thoughts. No change. I was getting really discouraged, then all of a sudden I couldn’t complete ANY THOUGHTS- OH-NO! At this point I was REALLY feeling like this was a bad decision. 4 weeks in, I started noticing that I could complete thoughts again, and the racing was really dying down. I was so grateful, however, I was still feeling more depressed than I had been.

I had a lot going on at the time, I was really not enjoying my job and I was hating where I was living, I deiced to make a lot of big changes at once. I started with moving, I moved in to my new place on Sept 1st, and it was such an amazing decision! I love where I live and my landlady and her daughter have been instrumental in my recovery.

Then, I decided to start an anti depressant. After about a week I started noticing huge change in my chronic headaches. This is something I’ve dealt with every day of my life, tried dozens of meds for, and had finally just given up. But suddenly this all changed. My chronic pain was being lifted, and I had more and more days with no headaches at all. My depression was even doing better.

Then I decided to change jobs. The first job I left for immediately didn’t work out. But I knew I could find something I’d love to do. I did lots of interviews and lots of looking around, and finally found something I would really enjoy doing. It was a long and extensive interview process, but finally I was in.

Now in all of this I had lots of roller coaster downs, but it’s hard to even remember the person I was three months ago before everything started changing so rapidly. I recently started dating, and have found someone I’m really into. Things are still new, but when I’m feeling emotional, and I explain my feelings, I always feel validated. I never feel like I’m crazy after he responds. I think this is the healthiest place I’ve been in in my whole life, I know I’m going to have downs, but I hope to keep on this trajectory of doing better. I know that my mental health with always be a challenge and something I have to work to keep improving, but I’m so happy where I am today!

This past weekend I adopted a pet pig, named Hamlette, I have moved pigs my entire life and I’m so excited for this opportunity. I know that right now I’m just testing things out with my dog, but I really hope things continue to work out. I hope everyone out there reading this that’s going through the worst time in their life, can see that with hard work it can get better. even just a few months ago I could have never imagined myself saying that.

Until next time ­čÖé

The song I was listening to when…

I’ve never been someone who LOVED music. I didnt hate it or anything like that, but it wasnt something I needed or craved, and could care less if I never listened to music on the radio again.

I haven’t blogged in a long time. But it’s been a good thing, I’ve had so many amazing things happening. And I wanted to share this as part of my journey, it it felt like I’d be jinxing it if I talked to anyone about it. Especially writing it. And also this is something so eventful in my life, I’ll never forget it. I dont need to write it to remember it.

Today for the first time ever I’m sure that I do not feel depressed. I know I still have depression, but I dont FEEL depressed for the first time in my memory.

One big thing that has changed, along with my taste buds, is that I crave music and songs again. I like it in the background and in some instances would prefer it over tv.

Not the first song that I noticed the new appreciation for music, but rather the song that made me realize I feel happiness and I dont also feel depressed. Going going gone, Maddie Poppe.

I realized I was in this place where I was READY FINALLY to accept that I really wanted to feel happy and my life was worth trying for. And I feel like this girl in this song has just definitively decided the same thing and the song is the acceptance.

All of this came after a couple weeks I was really in a slump and really down. But for the first time ever I was able to truly bring myself put of it after an acceptable amount of time. And I really want to be the best me I can be.

Life is no longer about needing a reason to wake up, now it’s about proving that I’m worth it to keep being able to wake up.

P.s. I’m going to add some recent mile stones since May just in case I dont actually remember this forever…

Started chiropractor regularly

Stared regular therapy

Moved

Started medicine

Relief for mind racing

Started anti depressant

Headache relief

Left job that was not respecting me

Made friends

Taste buds changing,…Fish? Rice? Sweet potatoes?

Feel love and care and have the ability to express it appropriately

Didn’t settle

And I have a job interview tomorrow for something I’m so incredibly excited about that even if I don’t get the job, I know I can now feel this feeling again. It’s been quite a long time. I no longer dread being excited about something just because I hate being disappointed, but now I can be excited about what it will mean even if the thing I want doesn’t end up happening.

Hopefully I come back soon with good news, goodnight.

Am I depressed?

There was never a moment that I was like “suddenly I’m not depressed anymore”. But there were moments that I noticed that I was feeling happier and I wouldn’t have┬ácategorized myself as depressed anymore. But lately I’ve been feeling not normal. But in all reality, it’s how I used to feel all the time. And when you really think about it, I’ve felt like this a lot longer than I’ve felt “normal”. So really, the brief time I felt like that was the time I didn’t feel like myself. The way I’m feeling now is not- not normal. I’m just getting back to normal. But I don’t want to feel like that again.

But it doesn’t feel like I’m as into it as I used to. I made some calls today to try to get in to see a therapist before I get too deep that I don’t even think therapy would help. I’m confident I can go back to feeling better, but I may not be so confident for long. None of the therapists I called answered, but I left a few voicemails. I’m feeling a little discouraged, but hopefully I can get some help soon. While I’m still open to help.

I’ve put off finding a new therapist for 9 months. I can’t help but feel like I did this to myself. I can’t help but think that I could be feeling 10X better than I ever did if I had kept going and kept working.

I’ve been working really hard the last couple months to feel better physically since I was finally feeling better mentally. But it’s like now that I’m feeling bad again there’s nothing that’s helping the physical either. It’s all connected.

I skipped work today, huge infraction, they are super serious about attendance. Will miss out in serious $$ from not just the hours missed but also my bonus. I rationalized it this morning, of coarse. This is the biggest hint to myself that I’m deteriorating. I’ve been losing my appetite again, maybe that’s a good thing after all the weight I gained. But I can’t tell if I’m feeling bad physically simply because of the sadness/depression or if it’s that I’m hardly eating or drinking. Both are cased from the feeling “off” so I know that’s the root cause either way. But maybe I could force myself to eat or force myself to be happy. So many thought racing through my head.

As you can tell, I’ve been back her a little more frequently. I just need help making it over this setback.

Another year

Another year, another father’s day, another deathaversary, and another year of lost memories. This week marks 8 years since my father killed himself, a week before father’s day. Today marks my 8th father’s day without him. And this year marks the 8th year and I really really can’t remember what he looks like at all anymore.

I look at pictures and I recognize it’s him, but even the second I look away from the picture I can’t make out the face in my head. There are 2 specific things I’ll always picture and it’s his eyes and his mustache. But when I try to recall his face, those are the only two things I can make out. Like I’m blind but squinting lets me see clear for a split second before it goes away and that’s where my focus is.

I know I’m not the only person in the world going through this today, father’s day is a hard one. It just really sucks that I never feel like I get any specific day of the year to mourn.

His deathaversary is my brother’s birthday, his birthday is my cousin’s birthday, father’s day seems like the only day that is appropriate to miss him and I don’t have to celebrate anyone else.

My friend asked me earlier this week, why I get so sad this week every year about my dad when he was so awful to me. And my answer seems so irrational, even to me. I can’t help it. I just miss him. I’d rather have the bad back, then never get to experience the good again. Too bad that can never happen.

Setbacks

Lately I’ve been doing amazing. Well, amazing comparatively to how I used to be. I’ve been working with a chiropractor for a lot of my chronic pain, I’ve seen a chiropractor on and off for a decade but nothing constant. But I’m seeing tremendous results going twice a week. My headaches are at an all time low, I even had a half a day this week without a headache at all. My sleep isn’t better, byeeee for the first time I can remember I’ve been walking up feeling rested. My jaw pain is so much better, and even some random pains are gone.

I’m working with myself too, trying to feel better.

Last time I wrote I think I talked about how my suicidal ideations are almost non existent. This is all huge news.

But it feels like no matter how hard I try or how far I’ve come, one small thought can uproar it all. So small I don’t even remember what the thought was that triggered this emotional shut down. But I feel like something inside of me is missing. I’m in the middle of a panic attack that feels like it’s never going to end. Wrapping up hour 3 of straight panic.

I don’t get hungry anymore, I feel like I have new body pains I’ve never had, I feel completely alone, I feel scared to be alone in case I do start feeling suicidal. When these new pains happen I can’t help but think maybe I don’t deserve to be pain free. I did something to deserve this and the universe is going to make sure I live with it.

This feels like 10 steps forward, 8 steps back. And when you’re finally feeling on top for the first time ever, even a small set back feels like a boulder coming for you. If this happened 18 months ago it would just be about other day for me.

I literally had no one to turn to about this. I reached out to two people who I thought were close friends and they didn’t even respond. It’s a good thing I can always come here.

This last 18 months have been some of the hardest of my life, but the most rewarding for sure. And I don’t know why I can’t just enjoy it. I don’t want to feel so alone anymore.

Lately for every depressing post idea I have, I have 2 positive ones. I wish I made more of an effort to share that stuff with you guys too. But tonight I just needed to not feel so alone

Drinking alone with depression

I don’t talk a whole lot about my childhood. But there’s a lot of things from my childhood that shapes my actions as an adult. One of those is both of my parents were alcoholics. My dad gave me 2 tips about drinking growing up: 1) Don’t drink without a mixer or chaser (he said that’s how you become my mother…who drinks straight vodka) and I ABSOLUTELY did not want that. 2) Never drink alone. That’s also how you become and alcoholic.

I starting drinking at a pretty young age, mostly because of peer pressure from my father. But I made a point to never drink alone. With so much depression and other mental illness, I never thought it was a good idea to risk it. Before tonight I have drank alone ONCE, and it was a disaster and I needed someone to come stop me from self harming.

But this week I’ve stopped all CBD and THC, the things I’ve been using for my pain and sleep. I stopped because everything I was doing was requiring more and more to feel less pain or get to sleep. SO I thought I’d take a break and start up again in a few weeks. So I tried going without anything, but I also didn’t want to resort back to my sleeping pills. So a few night of no sleep and high pain I gave in…tequila. Last night I drank with my brother and had no worries. But tonight there was no one home but me.

I thought really hard about this, I was in pain and not able to sleep… I thought a bit about another bad night of sleep. And I knew I didn’t want that. I thought about the consequences of drinking alone, and the biggest issue was worrying I would fall back in a deep depression (given that it’s a depressive). And this week was so hard, I had two major breakdowns. I was so worried that this was a subconscious decision to get myself in a major depressive state again after this week.

But I then realized it’s been month since I was suicidal. And yeah, I’ve been down but not depressed. So I took the shot and got me some sprite and tequila and I’m tipsy enough to not be in pain but not drunk. And I don’t feel depressed at all.

The biggest thing is, knowing I can trust myself.

I have been packing all weekend for my upcoming move, and I found the box cutter I was previously using to to self harm, and I put it in my tool box and didn’t even think about cutting. The progress is unreal. Of coarse there are still weaknesses. But I feel really proud of where I’ve come from.

Catch up

This is not the first post I’ve started with “Hey guys, it’s been awhile” and it probably wont be the last. Sometimes you get caught up in life and don’t make time for the things you actually want to do. I was thinking about coming here today and writing all the posts I’ve wanted to write the last couple months but didn’t. Now I’m thinking that I’ll just make a promise that moving forward when there’s something I really want to write, I’ll just make the time to write it. I’ts been a rough few weeks, not going to lie. Work has been stressful and my mental health hasn’t been the best. These are the times when I needed to rely on you guys and I didn’t.

Lots of changes at work: changed positions to a higher paying position and something I really wanted to do and all was great for a couple weeks. Then we got a new manager and she’s tearing everything apart. One thing I can say is that I still love what I’m doing., but I hate going to work. I’ve been here almost 6 months, which is an accomplishment for me and my BPD. I’ve thought about looking around, but I haven’t once almost walked out without warning. So I guess that’s really good progress on my part.

As for my mental health, I’ve been slacking on therapy. I haven’t’ been once since I started this new job. I work 10 hours a day and it’s hard to find someone who will work around that schedule and it’s hard on me to make time too. I have been feeling myself get down. Another reason why I’ve been putting it off is, I feel better. I really do. Even though I’m noticeably down, I don’t feel depressed.

I will talk for another second about accomplishments though, we all need to remember to celebrate the little things when they happen, especially me. I have not ONCE self harmed, and only once or twice even thought about it. I sometimes feel worthless, but I haven’t had suicidal ideations in a while either. This is something that used to be daily, if not hourly. I’m proud that this is not the normal for me anymore. Not constantly thinking of ways to die or to kill myself, or unique ways to self harm. It’s leaves a lot of time to think about things that actually matter.

Going a whole day without thinking about killing myself seemed impossible just a year ago (or less), but none the less, I can’t even remember the last time I thought about killing myself. For those who have been with me since the first post, it’s been a year this month since I started here. I started after being in the hospital and this being a recommendation from lots of people. And it really has helped. Maybe no one reads these, and maybe no one cares, but feeling like you do makes it worth it.

I know I feel like I’m in a rut right now, but it’s nothing compared to how my downs used to be, and I know I should be grateful for that. I will say though that when I feel down, it’s still hard to pull myself out of that hole. I think that being able to notice that is probably the first step in getting out of the hole, but I don’t know what the next step is. It’s hard to get past how tired I am.

Honestly getting better and progressing doesn’t mean I think I’m finished with recovery. I know I still feel sad, and lonely, and emotional. But I feel like I’m handling those feeling a lot better now. And I’m ready to start taking more actions to help remedy those feelings too. I signed up for a dating site, and I’ve been going out with coworkers. Last weekend I was in a really bad space, and I forced myself to wake up early on Saturday and go spend time with friends. Something I never would have done a year ago– I would have canceled the night before. But, here I am, still right in the middle of my hole. I’m trying to do what I think will help, but it’s not. And that’s so discouraging that even if I’m not as bad off as I was a year ago, that I’m still so unhealthy. Maybe this is as healthy as I’m going to get.

One reason I have been putting off writing here, is that when I’m in a lot of pain I’ll do dabs. And I usually lay down and go to sleep so I am not very functional. Especially on the days I’ve thought I needed to write–those are the days I’m in the most pain. But not today.

I know you guys don’t need me, but I need a place where I feel safe. So I promise to myself, unless it’s unbearable pain, when I want to talk I will. Whosoever out there, thanks. Here’s to the next year— but lets still take it one day at a time!

New year but not a new me

For most people a new year means New Year’s Resolutions, people claiming they’re magically going to be new people.

For people like me, us….That’s not always a possibility. I mean, we’re they kind of people who have to make it day by day, not year by year.

Planning a whole year ahead is hard or even impossible when you don’t even know if you’ll be able to get out of bed tomorrow.

I’ll be the first to admit I AM doing better. But every day is still hard. And then the concept of setting resolutions for the year seems like all we’ll ever get is disappointment from that. Not that we CAN’T do whatever it is but other things are priorities. Losing weight or saving money seems like the least of my problems. Sure, they’re problems, but I need to focus on staying alive.

So here’s some attainable resolutions for me and maybe for you too:

  1. If we’re feeling broken and lost– This year we’ll get help
  2. Try to make a routine, anything to have a reason to get out of bed
  3. Try to make at least one new trusted friend
  4. Do something that make’s you happy as often as you can. Some would say daily or weekly, but I’m thinking at minimum monthly. Realistic goals.

Sorry I’ve been MIA, things have been crazy the last couple months, but they’re settling down and I’ll be back more.

Lying about how much pain and distress you’re in

You probably think I mean lying to exagerate the pain or depression. But I really mean the exact opposite. I’ve read a blog on the Mighty tht was on a similar subject. That people with chronic illnesses often have to make it seem like they’re in less pain than they actually are in. I’m adding a bit of a mental illness component too, since that’s also my life.

Having to downplay the pain and everything mental is necissary for a few reasons. At least in my life.

I lie to the doctors because I hate telling them how much pain I’m really in because they thing I’m lying for pills or attention. When really it’s the exact opposite. It’s not like I enjoy being on pills or having to go to the doctor’s office all the time. I wish I could just get out of the bed like normal people. Or like the past they’ll just tell me I need to eat better, exercise, and go to therapy more.

I lie to my family so they don’t fret over me. I know they won’t understand and they will think they know what’s best for me. They’ll have all kinds of ideas to make my life easier and i just can’t always handle that on top of everything else I’m dealing with it. Or they’ll walk on eggshells and treat me like I’m breakable.

I lie to my co workers and bosses. No one likes someone who never shows up. And in the past, I have been that person. And not to mention someone who needs extra when it comes to time for my mental health and doctors appointments or even if I can’t get out of bed. It has been so nice to find a job I love and I love getting out of bed to go to my job. But you don’t know coworkers enough to be honest. And you don’t want to be the person at the office everyone thinks is seeking attention. And you don’t want to give your boss any reason to sideline you or even not hire you.

I lie to my therapist and psychiatrist about my depression because I’m afraid if I’m honest about how bad thing are, then I’ll be forced into a mental hospital or I’ll lose myself on more medications. I’m not against medication, and it has helped me in the past. But I’ve never tried treatment without it and it hasn’t seemed to work in a long time. I get scared about what I can say and how honest I can be.

I lie to what few friends I do have left because I don’t want to lose any more friends over my illnesses. And I have lost so many because it seemed like it was too much to handle. But if I don’t ever mention my problems then I can’t scare them away.

It makes it hard when you’re constantly having to judge if you can truly be yourself and be depressed or be in pain and be bale to just show it so you’re more comfortable. I’m sure I’ll find a balance someday.