I don’t talk a whole lot about my childhood. But there’s a lot of things from my childhood that shapes my actions as an adult. One of those is both of my parents were alcoholics. My dad gave me 2 tips about drinking growing up: 1) Don’t drink without a mixer or chaser (he said that’s how you become my mother…who drinks straight vodka) and I ABSOLUTELY did not want that. 2) Never drink alone. That’s also how you become and alcoholic.
I starting drinking at a pretty young age, mostly because of peer pressure from my father. But I made a point to never drink alone. With so much depression and other mental illness, I never thought it was a good idea to risk it. Before tonight I have drank alone ONCE, and it was a disaster and I needed someone to come stop me from self harming.
But this week I’ve stopped all CBD and THC, the things I’ve been using for my pain and sleep. I stopped because everything I was doing was requiring more and more to feel less pain or get to sleep. SO I thought I’d take a break and start up again in a few weeks. So I tried going without anything, but I also didn’t want to resort back to my sleeping pills. So a few night of no sleep and high pain I gave in…tequila. Last night I drank with my brother and had no worries. But tonight there was no one home but me.
I thought really hard about this, I was in pain and not able to sleep… I thought a bit about another bad night of sleep. And I knew I didn’t want that. I thought about the consequences of drinking alone, and the biggest issue was worrying I would fall back in a deep depression (given that it’s a depressive). And this week was so hard, I had two major breakdowns. I was so worried that this was a subconscious decision to get myself in a major depressive state again after this week.
But I then realized it’s been month since I was suicidal. And yeah, I’ve been down but not depressed. So I took the shot and got me some sprite and tequila and I’m tipsy enough to not be in pain but not drunk. And I don’t feel depressed at all.
The biggest thing is, knowing I can trust myself.
I have been packing all weekend for my upcoming move, and I found the box cutter I was previously using to to self harm, and I put it in my tool box and didn’t even think about cutting. The progress is unreal. Of coarse there are still weaknesses. But I feel really proud of where I’ve come from.