Is it love, or is it mental illness?

No matter who you are, it’s the age old question of “How do you know if you love someone?” But what makes that question so much more important and even harder to answer is having mental illnesses.

The problem arises when you don’t know if you REALLY like someone or if it’s just your fear of abandonment or your clingyness or whatever that’s keeping you with someone.

But it’s really important to know if you’re in an unhealthy state of a relationship or if you really are meant to be. For me, with BPD I can come REALLY attached to someone really quickly or not be able to even be around people if I decide I don’t like them for no reason. So I have very few friends. So when I do get close to someone I go overboard, and I don’t know if it’s really love or if it’s just that I finally found someone who wants to spend time with me.the same kind of open

I think it’s different for everyone, but for me, some things that help me know if I really love being around someone or if it’s just loneliness.

Guidelines for me:

Make sure you’re comfortable with someone when you’re just relaxing or going out. Just make sure you can be yourself.

Make sure they’re the same kind of person you are, for example, if you’re a closed bedroom door kind of person, make sure they’re not an open bedroom door kind of person.

Make sure they have similar values

And most importantly, I know if I really care about someone then ALLLL the annoying things that everyone does that makes me crazy doesn’t bother me at all. For example, snoring, dragging feet, eating habits, etc. If you really care about them, then you don’t even notice those things that make you want to kill everyone around you.

Just make sure you know what you need. Make sure you’re not with people who don’t meet your requirements. I’m not always so good at it, but I’m trying.

Long time no type

I know we go through this every couple months, where I apologize to you an myself for not being so diligent about keeping up with everything.

These last few weeks have been REALLY stressful. I guess that means I should have been writing more, but I just didn’t have the energy.

Money is tight, as always. On Monday my car go repoed. I worked really hard to to buy  a new car the same day so I could get to and from work. Oh…speaking of work, I HATE MY JOB! I had everything worked out to work one more week then quit and I would have a couple weeks to find something new.

BUT NO. My brother and his gf broke up, and she is moving out. That means everything I am saving on not having a car payment now, is now going to my rent going up $300. It’s just so fucking ridiculous ALWAYS living paycheck to paycheck. I finally FINALLY had some brightness showing, something to say I was going to start saving money.

I have decided when my lease is up I’m going to make a move to my grandmothers, where I can have free rent and start saving for real.

God I just feel so stressed all the time. I was finally looking to make a change in my life for the better and not always been so stressed. But life has other options. Fuck me.

Not to mention my head has been hurting SO bad the last few days, and I can’t take anything for it because I’m searching for a new job. Which means drug test. FUCK ME.

Feeling left out

I haven’t been shy about not doing well at keeping friends or even making new ones. And the relationship I have with my family is complicated.

But I’m trying in my own way to to connect with the people around me. When I decided to move to colorado, it was to be closer to my 2 brothers and 2 CUUUTTEEE nephews. Me and my brother who was living in a hotel at the time, decided to get an apartment together. Mind you, we havn’t lived together in 10 years. Since I was 11 and he was 18. It is such a big age difference that living together was never like what it would be now. We have so many differences and our own mental illnesses we are dealing with.

Everyone told me it was a bad idea, and I listened to no one. The reason being is because of my BPD I make impulsive decisions, and when I make those decisions it’s pretty impossible to change my mind. (I’ve been working really hard specifically on this issue- but that’s for another post) But I love my brother more than anyone, even if we have some very big differences and issues to work on.

So he plays video games when he’s home. And every time i ask him to go out he never wants to. We have been out together twice since I moved here in May, and both of those times weren’t even “hanging out” they were me giving him a ride to the store.

So I really wanted to spend time with him, so I downloaded his favorite game, taught myself to play, got up a high enough score so we could play together and he hasn’t played with me once. he will sit there and play with his girlfriend every night, but never even considers me. I think he knows I only started playing for him and still nothing. It’s like he doesn’t even care about spending time with me. Even though I went out of my way to spend time with him in his own way.

It’s not just games, he knows I have no friends here yet he never invites me out with him and his friends and never wants to spend time together. I don’t even know why I moved here. I thought I had nothing back in Austin but but I have just as little here.

I really feel like I have nothing to live for anymore, even the few family members I care about seem to not want me anymore.

If someone asked me if I was okay

If someone asked me if I was okay I would tell them no. I would say “How would I be okay when I have no friends, I’m in major debt, even my brothers don’t want to spend time with me.”

But no one asks me if I’m okay. Why? Because I have no friends and my family doesn’t care. No one cares. The only person who has asked me how I am in the last several months is my therapist.

I can’t even name the last time I was hugged by anyone other than family. And even that is unusual.

I have no one to talk to that I don’t have to pay. And this.

I wish I just had someone to talk to.

When you’re worthless

I’ve known for a long time I was worthless, but lately it’s more and more clear to me that literally no one thinks of me. Not first and not even last. I feel like the guy on Master chef who always gets picked for team challenges last. Except at least he gets to participate.

So for those of you who didn’t know, I live with my brother and his girlfriend. They are constantly eating my food and not replacing it as if I don’t even exist. Tonight I was starving and had no milk to make mac and cheese. I asked the girl friend if she wanted to go to the store with me. After spending 30 minutes shopping for all the things they needed and me only getting milk, they didn’t replace one thing of mine they ate. Then surprisingly she said she was making a family size lasagna for dinner and I could have some. Great I thought, because I was broke and really wanted to wait until tomorrow night to make the mac. Well without a second thought they made the lasagna and ate it all. Never told me it was ready and sure as hell didn’t save me a piece. Why? because I don’t matter. I am never thought of. I’m never a priority. It would have been fine had they never offered me any, I would have just come home with my milk and made mac and cheese. I was starving anyways. Instead I waited 3 hours for lasagna that I never got any of. Now it’s too late to cook.

It’s not about the food, I can go without eating. It’s just that this isn’t the only example of me being forgotten or left out. It’s not even the only time in the last 3 days.

The fact of the matter is I’m always over looked, no one ever sees me. I’m never invited to things and when I am it’s with no consideration of any accommodations I might need for my anxiety or depression. My other brother’s wife is always inviting me over to spend time with my nephews and says that they’re having a low key weekend and it’s fine that I have no money and it’s fine that I don’t want to be around too many people I don’t know because it makes me anxious, and then I get there and all of a sudden they’re having a party. It makes me feel unwelcome and like I never should have come. Me and my visit or 3 hour drive is obviously not important.

Fuck, it’s things like this that make me want to die. Feeling unwelcome, unloved, forgettable, all things that make a person not want to be alive. I mean, Shouldn’t I be a priority for SOMEONE!? Everyone else is always a priority for me.

not understanding WHY you’re depressed

I have had depression for as long as I can remember. Most of the time I can pin point why I’m having an episode or why I’m feeling down. But lately I just can’t seem to understand what has got me in such a slump.

This is different than usual. I can get out of bed and force myself to do some self care. Yet something’s just not right. I can’t concentrate and I have little to no joy most of the time.

I was in a work meeting this last week, and things got a little heavy. MY boss was talking about this seminar he went to where there was a question ( I might get some of the details wrong) But the gist was “If I set out a beam on the floor with $10 on it, are you going to cross the beam for the money…yeah” “If you put the beam 20 feet above ground but there’s $100 at the end, will you cross the beam..maybe” “If you put the beam 100 stories off the ground and now it’s 100 yards long but there’s a $1000 at the end, will you cross it..no” “what about a million dollars?….no” Now you have to think, WHAT would you cross it for. My boss said his kids. I got to thinking that there’s literally nothing I value enough to cross the beam for. I love no one or nothing that much.

Yesterday I went to the zoo with my 2 nephews, tow of the people I love most in this world. I was SO excited for the zoo. Thinking I would finally find joy in something again. And I was happy the boys had fun, but I just didn’t get the joy from it like I hoped.

Friday I went to 5 guys hoping for a burger cure, it normally works when I’m down. Nothing.

My usual solutions when I’m in a mood like this aren’t working. I don’t know what to do or why I’m feeling like this. The problem is it makes me feel worse than I already did. It makes me more depressed. Makes me ruminate more.

Making it into work on a bad day

Today was a bad day. I can’t explain why, there was nothing provoking me. I had no reason to feel so depressed and emotional. I was on the verge of tears all day. I barley made it through without having to leave early.

We’ve all HAD to go to work or school on a bad day. When there was just NO WAY you could miss that day. And those are the days you feel most useless as if you might as well not have even gone in because you’re not doing any work.

I spent most of the day staring into nothingness. I hardly talked to anyone. I’m in a call center and the first person I talked to today cussed me out for no reason. Throughout the day I had a record number of 6 people scream at me on the phone. On any given day you can expect at least 2 angry people. But today was a pretty high number and I was already feeling useless that it just made me work.

Being depressed or having an episode at work or school is one of the hardest things about having mental illnesses. These people are in charge of your lively hood- if you keep getting a paycheck or not. They typically do not even know about your problems, much less under stand them. And while the statistics say almost 20% of people in the united states are being treated for anxiety, you can still bet that the majority of people would never understand other mental illnesses.

AND even if it’s not true, you instinctively already feel less functional than everyone else you work with. Even if it’s not true you probably think everyone around you is “normal” and their life is perfect. So when you’re about to leak out tears and you’re surrounded by people who you feel are better than you, and people who could fire you, you start to have a panic attack and that makes everything rush out quicker and twice as strong.

I spent the whole day counting down the minutes until I could go to break, then lunch, then my next break and the finally home. I did LITERALLY the minimum amount of work I had to to not get in trouble for  the day’s work.

I really shouldn’t be working. Or at least not full time. But I can’t afford anything else. And even if I gave up my strong feelings on taking government assistants, it’s a long road to ever get accepted and you have to not be working to even try. And that’s a huge risk.

We all need something to do every day, but sometime’s we just have to admit that we might not be functional enough for  normal people work. And that feels like crap. And OF COARSE you think about this when you’re already at work feeling depressed and that makes thing SO much worse. Thinking you’ll never be able to function in society, that you won’t be able to keep your job, that eventually your charm is going to wear off and finding a new job is going to be less easy as you spend more and more time only at jobs for a couple months at a time.

Life’s rough. Work’s hard. Today was bad. But at least now I’m home and I get to sleep in tomorrow before my consultation with a potential therapist.

Distractions

When you read things on the internet or get advice from other people they always tell you to distract. They offer reading a book, cleaning, exercise, drawing or doing a puzzle as suggestions.

But they never mention alternatives of those things don’t work for you. What if reading hurts your head or makes you more sad. What if you have nothing to clean or you just don’t have the physical energy or if you just HATE it. What if you can’t exercise because of body pain. What if yo’re not good at art? What if you’re not good at puzzles or they make you more frustrated or feel like a failure. What then?

Are you destined to sit around and do nothing and be depressed all the time?

What do you do when you’re broke and all you have at your disposal is Netflix? That gets pretty old after awhile and means you’re just laying in bed wallowing even if you have something going on in the background. If anyone has any suggestions I could really use something right about now.

Finding a new therapist

One of the most vulnerable things about having mental illnesses or even just going through a rough time is reaching out for help. For those of you who are in therapy and those who have looked into it but couldn’t proceed for whatever reason know it’s one of the hardest things to do.

It’s also one of the most key elements to recovery. Finding a good therapist is hard, and having to find a new therapist and halt treatment is even harder.

I have been in weekly therapy since January up until a couple months ago. When I moved I made arrangements with my therapist in Texas whom I really liked, and seemed to be helping me make progress. But not that I haven’t been seeing her for a couple months due to money issues, I can’t get a hold of her. I know I need to get back into treatment ASAP.

But it’s hard finding someone who is both affordable and someone you can connect to. Today I spent most of the day looking online for affordable counseling in my area. The problem is I need a specialist which is not cheap, and I need regular long term treatment.

I after many many calls, I talked to someone who I thought might be a good fit. But even if I qualify for his sliding scale fee it’s $75 per session. And that’s $300 a month. I know I can’t afford that, I mean I could barley afford $25 a week.

What am I going to do? I can’t kill myself working to try to afford therapy. That would only be counter productive to recovery and trying to feel better.

I honestly can’t figure out how people do this, I know it’s something I desperately need. And I know I won’t stay out of the hospital without it. But how do people who are in as bad of a situation as me afford it. I work, yes. But I still haven’t caught up on my bills from the last time I was out of work because I was too depressed to get out of bed. And I’m only making barley over minimum wage.

I don’t want a new therapist, I don’t want to start over, I don’t want the progress I made the last 8 months to mean nothing. it just seems easier to forget it all and forget about therapy and wallow and hate myself. It’s deff cheaper to do that. I just don’t know.

What I think you think when I’m suicidal

Truth is, you don’t want me to die. And you don’t want me to kill myself. You don’t feel relief when I try and you are hurt by my actions. You do care about me. This is your truth.

My truth is that I think and feel something completely different when I’m in a major depressive suicidal episode. I truly and whole heartedly believe you want me dead just as much as I want to be dead. And that makes me want to do it more because I want to make you happy.

I think you’ll be happy without me. That you want me dead because that will be the end of a burden for you. I think you’re disappointed when I fail or give in to getting help. I think that you only offer help to pretend you care. I think that my failure is not just on me but that I’m a failure to you and everyone else.

I know you don’t get this. I know you think that it must be obvious you care and it must be obvious that you don’t want me dead. But it’s not. At least not when I’m like this.

When I’m in a suicidal state of mind nothing seems the way it really is. I feel drunk in the sense that everything is twisted and tangled. I feel loopy and groggy. When you say left I think you must mean right.

When I get out of an episode I know these things were not true. I now know your truth again. I thank “god” (even though I’m not religious) that I’m still alive. I hold it for as long as I can until I end up in another fit. And the cycle continues.

I know this is hard on you, I wish I could change. I wish every minute of every day that I was different, worthy. But I know that as long as I can be I will be okay. I know it won’t last, but it’s being prepared that matters. It’s knowing that things aren’t going to change over night and that I have to work hard to make that time in between suicidal episodes longer and longer.

I will win this fight. And those of you out there who feel like me, so will you.

Something that is all too easy to forget when you are triggered or suicidal is the National Suicide Hotline (For those of you in the US 1-800-273-8255), please, if you feel like me do not be afraid to use it. If you need to talk and you have no one. If you are in this state where you think everyone close to you wants you to die too, then talk to someone who is not close to you. Get a fresh perspective.